Time to get personal

Time to get personal…really personal. I’ve never written anything like this, although I feel as though I’ve given glimpses into my mind through some of my other blog posts.

Before I delve in too far, I want everyone to know that as I’m writing this, I’m in a pretty good place emotionally and mentally which is why I’m able to write about it. I don’t feel this way EVERY day (nor does all of this necessarily happen on the same day), but I’m going to share what a really bad day is like for me. I don’t do this to compare to anyone else or to gain sympathy, but rather to help others understand what those of us with mental illness(es) go through.

To make a long story short (this may be another day’s blog post), I’m pretty sure I started developing depression in middle school and the anxiety has been around at least that long. I fought through it alone (read as: not having any professional help) until my sophomore year of undergrad. Side note: I thank the Lord quite often for my high school friends, teammates, teachers & coaches who helped me through those dark & tough times without actually knowing what was going on. Needless to say, I finally (although reluctantly, accepted professional help). The following is what a bad day might look like.

6:45ish AM – My first alarm goes off and the first thought that goes through my head is something along the lines of “aw man, already?” (I often have trouble sleeping) or “oh crap! I need to get up so I can get to X on time” or “ok, I’ll just hit the snooze button one more time and then I’ll get up.” I hit the snooze button. I continue to hit the snooze button on any alarm that goes off. This can happen until the absolute last minute before I need to get up which ends up leaving me just enough time to throw on clothes, put in my contacts, and brush my teeth before I rush out the door. “Good” mornings are rare for me (and you’ll often hear me simply say “morning” rather than “good morning”). Obviously rushing around to do the simplest of tasks is not a great way to start one’s day, but it can become the norm for me. On really bad mornings I’ll be late to whatever meeting, appointment, class, etc. I have. On really, really bad mornings/days I may not get out of bed at all.

Morning – Sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest part of my day; sometimes it’s not. The morning can vary depending on what I’m doing. I’m usually ok for at least part of the morning as I occupy my mind with busy work (i.e. email, catching up in my lab book, drinking a cup of coffee, etc.). As long as I have something to keep my mind occupied, I can usually deal with whatever my mind throws my way. It’s when that busy work starts to get finished that the negative thoughts start to creep in. Sometimes these negative thoughts are enough to distract me from whatever I’m supposed to be doing.

Midday/Lunch – The middle of the day/lunch time can be an issue for me. I will often “forget” to eat as I’m not usually that hungry and if I do eat, it’s not usually very much. There are a lot of negative thoughts that go through my head regarding food and sometimes I’m just not strong enough to fight them. On my really bad days, I’ll just have a second cup of coffee as that will fill me up enough to cover an possible signs of hunger that might creep up. I know intellectually that this is not healthy for me, but my mental illnesses (whose voice is often louder and stronger than my own good, knowledgeable one) tell me otherwise.

Afternoon – Afternoons are a lot like mornings; as long as I have something to do, I’m ok. At some point during the afternoon, I will most likely get hungry, yet I have become very good at ignoring my hunger cues. On those really, really bad days I mentioned earlier, I may finally get out of bed simply to get a glass of water or something to eat, only to most likely relocate to the couch. The coffee I had earlier may start to wear off and I may start to get kind of grumpy, especially as the sun (if it’s out) starts to go down. I do, however, find a bit of relief (I suppose you can call it that) when I get the chance to go home from school or work. If I’m not meeting this point in the day with relief, I’m meeting it with dread because I know that evenings are hard for me.

Evening – Many days when I get home from school or work, I’ll sit down for a while and browse the internet and/or watch some tv. It’s the small things like this that I absolutely need to have built into my day or I’ll completely lose it. However, these small things can also make getting anything useful (i.e. homework, dishes, laundry, etc.) done as once I’ve started, it’s hard to stop. I will usually eat something for supper, but usually it’s pretty easy stuff that can be heated up in the microwave or requires minimal steps (i.e. pasta) because I simply don’t have the energy to cook elaborate meals. After I eat something, I’ll try to do something useful as mentioned above. If I don’t have anything I need to get done, I’ll find myself lying down on the couch and often falling asleep (this can happen as early as 7:30 PM). Sometimes I’ll wake up a half hour later and be able to do something useful, other times I won’t wake up until 11 (and then I drag myself to bed). On the really bad days, my thoughts get really, really dark and I find myself ruminating on them. These are often the points at which I will reach out to a friend and (often) ask for prayers. Sometimes if things are really bad, I’ll go to bed early (but won’t fall asleep because of the thoughts running through my head). Eventually, though, I will drift off into something that resembles sleep only to be jolted awake by my alarm the next day.

I want to thank you if you’ve made it this far in this post. There are just a few more words I’d like to share before I wrap this up. I want you to know that despite what I’ve written, each and every day is an uphill battle – I rarely have good days; I simply have ok days. Each and every day is difficult to get through and I wish there was a magic potion to make it all easier. In everything I do, I am affected by my emotions and my mental illnesses; they’re always lurking in my head and I’m always afraid that they’re going to ruin something or that they’re going to come out at the most inopportune time. However, despite all of this uphill battling, I know that someday I’ll be able to look out over the mountain and enjoy the view.