My Name is Jackie.

My name is Jackie.

My name is Jackie and I’m 25 years old. I’m originally from a small, rural town in Eastern Iowa and now I live in a larger town, still in Eastern Iowa. I graduated with my Master’s degree in Biology just this past May. After I graduated, I moved home with my parents for a little while (and had a temporary job), and in October, started a full-time job as a research assistant in a pediatric infectious disease lab. I love the colors purple and teal and am slightly obsessed with TLC & the Food Network. In my (newly found) free time I like to read, spend time outdoors, do arts & crafts, and hang out with my friends & family. I’m a faithful Catholic and attend Mass each Sunday. My God & my faith give me life.

My name is Jackie.

My name is Jackie and I experience mental illness; not just one, but two. I experience both depression and anxiety and I’ve been experiencing them both for years. I recently read a blog post about someone using the word experience instead of suffering. Her reasoning is that although there is A LOT of suffering that goes with mental illness, there are lots of experiences as well. As someone with a mental illness, I experience life just as you do. Ok, sure, I may experience things differently (and I may need medication to make sure that the chemicals in my brain are balanced enough for me to feel things), but I’m still experiencing them. I too, have my highs and my lows; my good days and my bad days. I experience friendships & heartbreaks; happiness & sadness. What I want you to know is that I am a person who experiences mental illness; I AM NOT my mental illness.

My name is Jackie.

My name is Jackie and it’s taken me years (and tons of reminders from some amazing people) that I AM NOT my mental illness. Depression is not who I am. Anxiety is not who I am. Your mental illness is not WHO you are; it is a part of you. Of course, mental illness has helped to shape the person I am today, but I like to think (and sincerely hope) that it’s changed me for the better. It’s taught me to rejoice in and celebrate the little things. Some days that’s getting out of bed before hitting the snooze button for the 3^rd time; sometimes it’s getting out of bed at all. I have learned that there are no victories too small to celebrate when it comes to mental illness. Mental illness has taught me that the big victories are even more sweet for someone like me than for someone who does not experience mental illness. I recently started a full-time job; something I questioned if I’d be able to do during some low points in my graduate school career. That is a big victory and it has propelled me forward in continuing to seek help/treatment for my mental illnesses.

My name is Jackie.

My name is Jackie and I want each and every one of you reading this to remember that. I am a human. I am a person. I am NOT my mental illness. Please see that I am a dedicated, hard-working, and caring young woman. See that I am quiet, but can be obnoxious once you get to know me. Please recognize that I am fun-loving even if it takes a bit more prompting and encouragement to get me going. Please see me as Jackie because that is who I am.  

Adulting.

As most of you know by now, I started a new job on the 22^nd of October. Prior to this job, I was working as a substitute paraeducator at the elementary school in my hometown. I really liked that (especially the teacher I was working with and her class of 3^rd graders), but it was definitely not something I could do full time. I’m now working (full-time) as a research assistant in a pediatric infectious disease lab at the University of Iowa. I know most of you are now asking “what exactly does that mean?” Well, I’ll do my best to explain. My lab is brand new meaning the PI (principal investigator, aka my boss) just moved here this past summer(?) and there are no students (undergrad or grad) in the lab (yet). This means that everything in the lab is done by one of us. So far, I’ve done a lot of ordering & organizing supplies (we have a label maker!!! J) along with a little bit of science. I presume as the lab grows, I will continue to do the above with a few additional responsibilities (i.e. simple training of students, keeping in compliance in several regulated areas, etc.).

Now that you have an idea of what I’m doing, I’m sure at least some of you are wondering how I’m doing… not in the superficial “how do you like the job” kind of way, but in the “how are you really doing” kind of way. For those of you that aren’t that close to me (or are unaware or have forgotten or whatever), let me translate. People are wondering how I’m managing both a job and my mental health. In the past, transitions have been really difficult for me, but here I’ll let you know how I’m handling a couple of different transitions at once.

I moved to my new place on the Thursday and Friday prior to the 22^nd. I’m living in a nice apartment (technically a condo) near the U of I Research Park. At this point I have everything moved in and (somewhat) put away. It’s definitely beginning to feel like home. Any transition to a new living place is going to be at least a little difficult, but this one didn’t seem as bad as previous ones. I think living a bit closer to home than Omaha helped a lot. I knew that I could go home more often (and much quicker). I also know a few people here which means that I didn’t have to start completely, completely over with finding friends. I’m working on joining a parish nearby which happens to be starting a young adult group in December, but so far, they have been nothing but welcoming. It’s great to see such a vibrant and growing parish community in the midst of what is happening with the Catholic Church. My faith communities have been so instrumental in the past in helping to make a place feel like home and this one is no different. I’m still getting used to living on my own again after having at least one roommate for so long (except for my first year in Omaha), but it hasn’t been too big of a problem. In other words, as far as the transition to living in a new place goes, I’m doing pretty well.

As I write this, I’m in the middle of week 4(!?!) at this job, but I still feel like I’m brand new at it. (When does a job cease to be a “new” job or when does a person cease to be “new” at a job? – This is a sincere question; leave me your ideas either on fb or in the comments section of the blog.) I’m at that weird stage where I have some independence and autonomy, but still feel like I need to ask for permission and guidance to do things which can be super difficult for me because of my anxiety. I know this will improve over time, but it’s one of the challenges I’m facing right now. Other than the anxiety creeping in at such inopportune times, there are 2 other aspects of my mental health that have been challenging in the transition to a new job. The first (and easier of the 2 to deal with) is how hard mornings can be. I don’t have the best sleep habits and getting out of bed is incredibly difficult for me (see my last post for more). Not only am I tired in the mornings, but my depression and anxiety kick in right away with the negative thoughts. Somehow (and I’m honestly not quite sure how), I’ve managed to get out of bed, shower, (sometimes) eat breakfast, and get to the bus stop on time. And remember, I’m now getting up at least an hour earlier than I’m used to which was hard at first, but is getting easier as time goes on. If I figure out how and why I’ve been able to get out of bed easier than most days in grad school, I’ll let you know. The second aspect of my mental health that has been challenging has been my evenings. My negative thoughts have always been worse in the evenings/at night, but they seem to have ramped up during this transition. Part of this is caused by not having a roommate/community in the same building; it's just something I’ll have to get used to. This is also partially caused by having new-found freedom (aka not having any homework to do) and not being sure of what to do. It’s like having SO many options that the options become too overwhelming and I just kind of shut down. I’ve been doing a lot of surfing the internet and watching TV. I’m trying to find a new hobby to explore as well as read more books (for fun!). That being said, my mental health has prevented me from doing some of these things that I’d like to do. Basically, my evenings have been filled with eating supper and falling asleep on the couch, only to wake up and have it be bedtime (it’s a horrible habit/routine to get into; I don’t recommend it). This has been quite a struggle, but I’m working on it. If anybody has any hints, tips or ideas, feel free to share! Overall though, I’d say that I’m managing everything fairly well despite my struggles. It sounds bad, but these are things I’ve struggled with for a long time and they seem normal to me. It’s like I don’t know what life is like without these or some other kind of struggle going on each and every day.

I’m going to end with a bit of encouragement to those fighting mental illness(es) and hopefully it’ll be inspiration to everyone else. Know that you CAN do “normal” things while dealing with your illness(es) such as work, attend church, etc. I’m not saying that it’s easy (it’s not), but it’s possible. I know I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own, but I only can because I have a good and faithful God as well as amazing friends and family to help me through. Don’t give up on yourself or your dreams. There have been so many times (especially in grad school) that I questioned a) whether it would be worth it and b) if I’d ever be able to handle a full-time “adult” job, but here I am, doing just that. Even if you can’t believe in yourself, know that someone, somewhere does and that you (and your job) are important cogs in the machinery that makes the world go ‘round.

“Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” — Saint Francis of Assisi

Time to get personal

Time to get personal…really personal. I’ve never written anything like this, although I feel as though I’ve given glimpses into my mind through some of my other blog posts.

Before I delve in too far, I want everyone to know that as I’m writing this, I’m in a pretty good place emotionally and mentally which is why I’m able to write about it. I don’t feel this way EVERY day (nor does all of this necessarily happen on the same day), but I’m going to share what a really bad day is like for me. I don’t do this to compare to anyone else or to gain sympathy, but rather to help others understand what those of us with mental illness(es) go through.

To make a long story short (this may be another day’s blog post), I’m pretty sure I started developing depression in middle school and the anxiety has been around at least that long. I fought through it alone (read as: not having any professional help) until my sophomore year of undergrad. Side note: I thank the Lord quite often for my high school friends, teammates, teachers & coaches who helped me through those dark & tough times without actually knowing what was going on. Needless to say, I finally (although reluctantly, accepted professional help). The following is what a bad day might look like.

6:45ish AM – My first alarm goes off and the first thought that goes through my head is something along the lines of “aw man, already?” (I often have trouble sleeping) or “oh crap! I need to get up so I can get to X on time” or “ok, I’ll just hit the snooze button one more time and then I’ll get up.” I hit the snooze button. I continue to hit the snooze button on any alarm that goes off. This can happen until the absolute last minute before I need to get up which ends up leaving me just enough time to throw on clothes, put in my contacts, and brush my teeth before I rush out the door. “Good” mornings are rare for me (and you’ll often hear me simply say “morning” rather than “good morning”). Obviously rushing around to do the simplest of tasks is not a great way to start one’s day, but it can become the norm for me. On really bad mornings I’ll be late to whatever meeting, appointment, class, etc. I have. On really, really bad mornings/days I may not get out of bed at all.

Morning – Sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest part of my day; sometimes it’s not. The morning can vary depending on what I’m doing. I’m usually ok for at least part of the morning as I occupy my mind with busy work (i.e. email, catching up in my lab book, drinking a cup of coffee, etc.). As long as I have something to keep my mind occupied, I can usually deal with whatever my mind throws my way. It’s when that busy work starts to get finished that the negative thoughts start to creep in. Sometimes these negative thoughts are enough to distract me from whatever I’m supposed to be doing.

Midday/Lunch – The middle of the day/lunch time can be an issue for me. I will often “forget” to eat as I’m not usually that hungry and if I do eat, it’s not usually very much. There are a lot of negative thoughts that go through my head regarding food and sometimes I’m just not strong enough to fight them. On my really bad days, I’ll just have a second cup of coffee as that will fill me up enough to cover an possible signs of hunger that might creep up. I know intellectually that this is not healthy for me, but my mental illnesses (whose voice is often louder and stronger than my own good, knowledgeable one) tell me otherwise.

Afternoon – Afternoons are a lot like mornings; as long as I have something to do, I’m ok. At some point during the afternoon, I will most likely get hungry, yet I have become very good at ignoring my hunger cues. On those really, really bad days I mentioned earlier, I may finally get out of bed simply to get a glass of water or something to eat, only to most likely relocate to the couch. The coffee I had earlier may start to wear off and I may start to get kind of grumpy, especially as the sun (if it’s out) starts to go down. I do, however, find a bit of relief (I suppose you can call it that) when I get the chance to go home from school or work. If I’m not meeting this point in the day with relief, I’m meeting it with dread because I know that evenings are hard for me.

Evening – Many days when I get home from school or work, I’ll sit down for a while and browse the internet and/or watch some tv. It’s the small things like this that I absolutely need to have built into my day or I’ll completely lose it. However, these small things can also make getting anything useful (i.e. homework, dishes, laundry, etc.) done as once I’ve started, it’s hard to stop. I will usually eat something for supper, but usually it’s pretty easy stuff that can be heated up in the microwave or requires minimal steps (i.e. pasta) because I simply don’t have the energy to cook elaborate meals. After I eat something, I’ll try to do something useful as mentioned above. If I don’t have anything I need to get done, I’ll find myself lying down on the couch and often falling asleep (this can happen as early as 7:30 PM). Sometimes I’ll wake up a half hour later and be able to do something useful, other times I won’t wake up until 11 (and then I drag myself to bed). On the really bad days, my thoughts get really, really dark and I find myself ruminating on them. These are often the points at which I will reach out to a friend and (often) ask for prayers. Sometimes if things are really bad, I’ll go to bed early (but won’t fall asleep because of the thoughts running through my head). Eventually, though, I will drift off into something that resembles sleep only to be jolted awake by my alarm the next day.

I want to thank you if you’ve made it this far in this post. There are just a few more words I’d like to share before I wrap this up. I want you to know that despite what I’ve written, each and every day is an uphill battle – I rarely have good days; I simply have ok days. Each and every day is difficult to get through and I wish there was a magic potion to make it all easier. In everything I do, I am affected by my emotions and my mental illnesses; they’re always lurking in my head and I’m always afraid that they’re going to ruin something or that they’re going to come out at the most inopportune time. However, despite all of this uphill battling, I know that someday I’ll be able to look out over the mountain and enjoy the view.