Adulting.

As most of you know by now, I started a new job on the 22^nd of October. Prior to this job, I was working as a substitute paraeducator at the elementary school in my hometown. I really liked that (especially the teacher I was working with and her class of 3^rd graders), but it was definitely not something I could do full time. I’m now working (full-time) as a research assistant in a pediatric infectious disease lab at the University of Iowa. I know most of you are now asking “what exactly does that mean?” Well, I’ll do my best to explain. My lab is brand new meaning the PI (principal investigator, aka my boss) just moved here this past summer(?) and there are no students (undergrad or grad) in the lab (yet). This means that everything in the lab is done by one of us. So far, I’ve done a lot of ordering & organizing supplies (we have a label maker!!! J) along with a little bit of science. I presume as the lab grows, I will continue to do the above with a few additional responsibilities (i.e. simple training of students, keeping in compliance in several regulated areas, etc.).

Now that you have an idea of what I’m doing, I’m sure at least some of you are wondering how I’m doing… not in the superficial “how do you like the job” kind of way, but in the “how are you really doing” kind of way. For those of you that aren’t that close to me (or are unaware or have forgotten or whatever), let me translate. People are wondering how I’m managing both a job and my mental health. In the past, transitions have been really difficult for me, but here I’ll let you know how I’m handling a couple of different transitions at once.

I moved to my new place on the Thursday and Friday prior to the 22^nd. I’m living in a nice apartment (technically a condo) near the U of I Research Park. At this point I have everything moved in and (somewhat) put away. It’s definitely beginning to feel like home. Any transition to a new living place is going to be at least a little difficult, but this one didn’t seem as bad as previous ones. I think living a bit closer to home than Omaha helped a lot. I knew that I could go home more often (and much quicker). I also know a few people here which means that I didn’t have to start completely, completely over with finding friends. I’m working on joining a parish nearby which happens to be starting a young adult group in December, but so far, they have been nothing but welcoming. It’s great to see such a vibrant and growing parish community in the midst of what is happening with the Catholic Church. My faith communities have been so instrumental in the past in helping to make a place feel like home and this one is no different. I’m still getting used to living on my own again after having at least one roommate for so long (except for my first year in Omaha), but it hasn’t been too big of a problem. In other words, as far as the transition to living in a new place goes, I’m doing pretty well.

As I write this, I’m in the middle of week 4(!?!) at this job, but I still feel like I’m brand new at it. (When does a job cease to be a “new” job or when does a person cease to be “new” at a job? – This is a sincere question; leave me your ideas either on fb or in the comments section of the blog.) I’m at that weird stage where I have some independence and autonomy, but still feel like I need to ask for permission and guidance to do things which can be super difficult for me because of my anxiety. I know this will improve over time, but it’s one of the challenges I’m facing right now. Other than the anxiety creeping in at such inopportune times, there are 2 other aspects of my mental health that have been challenging in the transition to a new job. The first (and easier of the 2 to deal with) is how hard mornings can be. I don’t have the best sleep habits and getting out of bed is incredibly difficult for me (see my last post for more). Not only am I tired in the mornings, but my depression and anxiety kick in right away with the negative thoughts. Somehow (and I’m honestly not quite sure how), I’ve managed to get out of bed, shower, (sometimes) eat breakfast, and get to the bus stop on time. And remember, I’m now getting up at least an hour earlier than I’m used to which was hard at first, but is getting easier as time goes on. If I figure out how and why I’ve been able to get out of bed easier than most days in grad school, I’ll let you know. The second aspect of my mental health that has been challenging has been my evenings. My negative thoughts have always been worse in the evenings/at night, but they seem to have ramped up during this transition. Part of this is caused by not having a roommate/community in the same building; it's just something I’ll have to get used to. This is also partially caused by having new-found freedom (aka not having any homework to do) and not being sure of what to do. It’s like having SO many options that the options become too overwhelming and I just kind of shut down. I’ve been doing a lot of surfing the internet and watching TV. I’m trying to find a new hobby to explore as well as read more books (for fun!). That being said, my mental health has prevented me from doing some of these things that I’d like to do. Basically, my evenings have been filled with eating supper and falling asleep on the couch, only to wake up and have it be bedtime (it’s a horrible habit/routine to get into; I don’t recommend it). This has been quite a struggle, but I’m working on it. If anybody has any hints, tips or ideas, feel free to share! Overall though, I’d say that I’m managing everything fairly well despite my struggles. It sounds bad, but these are things I’ve struggled with for a long time and they seem normal to me. It’s like I don’t know what life is like without these or some other kind of struggle going on each and every day.

I’m going to end with a bit of encouragement to those fighting mental illness(es) and hopefully it’ll be inspiration to everyone else. Know that you CAN do “normal” things while dealing with your illness(es) such as work, attend church, etc. I’m not saying that it’s easy (it’s not), but it’s possible. I know I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own, but I only can because I have a good and faithful God as well as amazing friends and family to help me through. Don’t give up on yourself or your dreams. There have been so many times (especially in grad school) that I questioned a) whether it would be worth it and b) if I’d ever be able to handle a full-time “adult” job, but here I am, doing just that. Even if you can’t believe in yourself, know that someone, somewhere does and that you (and your job) are important cogs in the machinery that makes the world go ‘round.

“Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” — Saint Francis of Assisi