...or garlic in cooking - you can always use more.
The title and first line are something that Archbishop Michael Jackels (of the Archdiocese of Dubuque) has said on multiple occasions. No, this is not going to be a post on why we need more seminarians and priests, but rather about how seminarians have impacted my life. I often like to think of seminarians as "big brothers you never had." Really, there's something special about them and I was lucky enough to attend a school with a minor seminary attached to it which meant that I was able to get to know several guys who were (about) the same age as I was. I didn't realize how unique it was to attend a school where I could get to know the guys while they were in minor seminary until I graduated; it was just normal for "the sems" to always be around.
This past weekend I was able to witness the ordination of two new transitional deacons and five new priests. It's really quite the experience and I encourage you to go sometime if you've never been. It was such a blessing to be able to be there as Deacons Jacob and Andy and Fathers Ralph, Dennis, Kevin, Andrew, and Austin were ordained. Many of these guys had/have a pretty big impact on my life.
My first experience with a seminarian was during my senior year of high school at a TEC retreat. I'll be honest, at that point in my life I had no idea what a seminarian was, but I learned quickly. Shortly after I checked in at the retreat, this overly-enthusiastic guy came up to me and introduced himself. At that point, I was wondering what I had gotten myself into, but as life would have it, I later found out that this guy was a) a seminarian and b) that he was studying at Loras (where I would be attending school). This certain guy would always help to put a smile on my face whether it was telling a silly story or just saying hi as he passed me on campus. It was nice knowing somebody that I could talk to or ask questions of as I started my adventure at Loras. Through him, and just being at Loras in general, I got to know some of the other guys who would eventually become good friends.
I wish I had the time to write about each of these guys individually, but I don't (and I don't want to make this too long). But I just want them to all know that they've made a difference in my life (and I'm sure so many others' lives as well). It's quite amazing to watch them go from a seminarian to a deacon to a priest. I appreciate all of the times they've reached out, listened, prayed, and were a great friend to me, despite being busy with their own studies and lives. I really encourage you to get to know a seminarian or two. Even if you can't get to know them personally, pray for them as they are the future priests of your (arch)diocese.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Friday, May 12, 2017
It is Jesus, in fact, that you seek when you dream of happiness
If you were to simply see high school Jackie from the outside, you'd think she had a perfect life. I was a straight-A student who rarely had to study, was involved in tons of extracurricular activities including leadership positions, played on 2 varsity athletic teams, was involved in church and youth group activities, spent time volunteering, and had a loving, supportive family.
What you didn't see though, was the agony and hurt that was going on inside. Not only was there an emotional struggle going on, but a faith struggle as well.
St. John Paul II in his Vigil of Prayer at the 15th World Youth Day in August of 2000 said “It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
When I was a senior in high school, I was at the point in my life where I did not think that I was good enough for anything or anyone. I didn’t think that other people cared for me or could love me and I was certain that even God couldn’t love me. I didn’t know what to do, so instead of reaching out and asking for help I just kept everything bottled up inside... my emotions, worries, stresses, everything. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I was essentially living a double life; I wore a mask of happiness around people, but was living a life of darkness when I was alone. A few people saw through my mask, but I reassured them that I was all right because I was too afraid to let them know what was under the mask. Part of wearing this mask was continuing to go to mass on Sundays (sometimes reluctantly) and holy days, praying before meals with my family, and attending youth group when I could. I, however, wasn’t doing these things because I wanted to; I was doing them because my parents said I had to. I think my youth minister could tell that something was missing; that I was “thirsting for fullness that [would] not let me settle for compromise,” so she suggested that I attend a retreat that was aimed for high school seniors and helping them to figure out what to do with their lives. At first I was reluctant to go because it was a new experience and I was incredibly shy, but I believe that it was a calling from God to “shed the masks of [my] false life” and an opportunity for Him to “stir in [me] the desire to do something great with [my] life.”
I first arrived at the retreat and was greeted by incredibly enthusiastic people. I turned in my Ipod, phone, and watch, put my stuff in my assigned classroom which would become my bedroom for the next 3 days, and joined people in the gym. We (a bunch of strangers) started a game of Apples to Apples and I laughed harder than I had in months. Without realizing it, we were being disciples to one another just by being present and I was beginning to let my mask slide off. Later in the weekend, we had the opportunity to receive the sacrament of reconciliation and it was the first time I had received this particular sacrament in quite a while. I remember sharing things with the priest things that had been hurting me for a very long time. I hadn’t realized just how much my mask weighed and how much lighter I felt after shedding my mask at least temporarily. I could physically feel the weight being lifted. It was at that moment that I realized that God loved me no matter what and that He had a plan for me even if I had no idea what that plan might entail. What I did know, though, was that the first step was to shed my mask and find help. This was an immense turning point in my journey. To follow up this experience, I received a packet of letters and realized that there were even more people that cared about me and wanted to share God’s love with me - people who didn't know me before that day and whom I still didn't know. They were praying for me. They cared. Why? Because I am one of God’s children and it is written “if God so loved us, we also must love one another (1 John 11).” These experiences are what made me realize that I, too, am one of Jesus’ disciples and that I had a “thirst for fullness that would not let me settle for compromise” and that I could and needed to share God’s endless love with others. I realized that it did not matter what I did, how I messed up, or the masks that I tried to hide behind God would always love me even if I did not love myself. I found that my faith in Jesus was something to be proud of. I realized that I did not have to be ashamed or hide it nor did I need to hide behind the mask of my depression.
The retreat started a fire in me; a desire to learn and grow in both my relationships with other people and my personal relationship with God. I wanted to learn about different ways to pray and how I could move beyond “just going through the motions” when I went to mass. When I started college, I knew that the important parts of a strong spiritual life, such as Mass, the Rosary, and daily prayers would be my choice. I found several people at school that shared my thirst for learning about and deepening my faith as well as several people whom I saw as disciples and role models. They all seemed to have a certain joy in their life that I now realize as the “thirst for fullness that would not let them settle for compromise.” Their love of God was evident and they shared God’s love and message with me and others through their both their words and actions. I realized that I, too, wanted to have that love and joy, so I started attending daily Mass and going to adoration. These things, however, did not happen overnight. It’s taken work and practice as well as encouragement from many people. Looking back, I didn’t quite realize just how important that small thirst I had experienced on retreat really was.
In the years since that first retreat, I have been able to shed my mask, and been able to witness in my own life and the lives of others the “thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise.” I have learned that we were not made to do things on our own and that it is ok to ask for help. The people in my life who have that “thirst for fullness” have been the ones I’ve gone to when I’ve been struggling because I know that they are willing to help me in whatever ways possible. They have taught me that life is a journey and we’re all going to struggle at some point. There is no way to get around that. We’re all going to have our bad days or weeks. We may question our faith, question God, and question ourselves, but guess what? God still loves you. He will always love you. This journey that we call life definitely has its rocks and hills, mountains and valleys. He loved the saints and He loves each of us too, no matter if we think we deserve it or are “holy enough.” All saints – canonized or not had a central focus – the love of God. They chose to act out of that love, despite some of their personal struggles and what was going on in the world around them. We too, can be disciples if we but act out of love of God – our love of Him and His love for us. However, “we can only experience God’s love as much as we’ll let Him in. Even infinite love cannot enter a closed heart.” The more we allow God into our lives, the more we’ll be able to show His love to others. He has “stir[red] in you the desire to do something great with your life” and it’s up to you to find it.
What you didn't see though, was the agony and hurt that was going on inside. Not only was there an emotional struggle going on, but a faith struggle as well.
St. John Paul II in his Vigil of Prayer at the 15th World Youth Day in August of 2000 said “It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
When I was a senior in high school, I was at the point in my life where I did not think that I was good enough for anything or anyone. I didn’t think that other people cared for me or could love me and I was certain that even God couldn’t love me. I didn’t know what to do, so instead of reaching out and asking for help I just kept everything bottled up inside... my emotions, worries, stresses, everything. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I was essentially living a double life; I wore a mask of happiness around people, but was living a life of darkness when I was alone. A few people saw through my mask, but I reassured them that I was all right because I was too afraid to let them know what was under the mask. Part of wearing this mask was continuing to go to mass on Sundays (sometimes reluctantly) and holy days, praying before meals with my family, and attending youth group when I could. I, however, wasn’t doing these things because I wanted to; I was doing them because my parents said I had to. I think my youth minister could tell that something was missing; that I was “thirsting for fullness that [would] not let me settle for compromise,” so she suggested that I attend a retreat that was aimed for high school seniors and helping them to figure out what to do with their lives. At first I was reluctant to go because it was a new experience and I was incredibly shy, but I believe that it was a calling from God to “shed the masks of [my] false life” and an opportunity for Him to “stir in [me] the desire to do something great with [my] life.”
I first arrived at the retreat and was greeted by incredibly enthusiastic people. I turned in my Ipod, phone, and watch, put my stuff in my assigned classroom which would become my bedroom for the next 3 days, and joined people in the gym. We (a bunch of strangers) started a game of Apples to Apples and I laughed harder than I had in months. Without realizing it, we were being disciples to one another just by being present and I was beginning to let my mask slide off. Later in the weekend, we had the opportunity to receive the sacrament of reconciliation and it was the first time I had received this particular sacrament in quite a while. I remember sharing things with the priest things that had been hurting me for a very long time. I hadn’t realized just how much my mask weighed and how much lighter I felt after shedding my mask at least temporarily. I could physically feel the weight being lifted. It was at that moment that I realized that God loved me no matter what and that He had a plan for me even if I had no idea what that plan might entail. What I did know, though, was that the first step was to shed my mask and find help. This was an immense turning point in my journey. To follow up this experience, I received a packet of letters and realized that there were even more people that cared about me and wanted to share God’s love with me - people who didn't know me before that day and whom I still didn't know. They were praying for me. They cared. Why? Because I am one of God’s children and it is written “if God so loved us, we also must love one another (1 John 11).” These experiences are what made me realize that I, too, am one of Jesus’ disciples and that I had a “thirst for fullness that would not let me settle for compromise” and that I could and needed to share God’s endless love with others. I realized that it did not matter what I did, how I messed up, or the masks that I tried to hide behind God would always love me even if I did not love myself. I found that my faith in Jesus was something to be proud of. I realized that I did not have to be ashamed or hide it nor did I need to hide behind the mask of my depression.
The retreat started a fire in me; a desire to learn and grow in both my relationships with other people and my personal relationship with God. I wanted to learn about different ways to pray and how I could move beyond “just going through the motions” when I went to mass. When I started college, I knew that the important parts of a strong spiritual life, such as Mass, the Rosary, and daily prayers would be my choice. I found several people at school that shared my thirst for learning about and deepening my faith as well as several people whom I saw as disciples and role models. They all seemed to have a certain joy in their life that I now realize as the “thirst for fullness that would not let them settle for compromise.” Their love of God was evident and they shared God’s love and message with me and others through their both their words and actions. I realized that I, too, wanted to have that love and joy, so I started attending daily Mass and going to adoration. These things, however, did not happen overnight. It’s taken work and practice as well as encouragement from many people. Looking back, I didn’t quite realize just how important that small thirst I had experienced on retreat really was.
In the years since that first retreat, I have been able to shed my mask, and been able to witness in my own life and the lives of others the “thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise.” I have learned that we were not made to do things on our own and that it is ok to ask for help. The people in my life who have that “thirst for fullness” have been the ones I’ve gone to when I’ve been struggling because I know that they are willing to help me in whatever ways possible. They have taught me that life is a journey and we’re all going to struggle at some point. There is no way to get around that. We’re all going to have our bad days or weeks. We may question our faith, question God, and question ourselves, but guess what? God still loves you. He will always love you. This journey that we call life definitely has its rocks and hills, mountains and valleys. He loved the saints and He loves each of us too, no matter if we think we deserve it or are “holy enough.” All saints – canonized or not had a central focus – the love of God. They chose to act out of that love, despite some of their personal struggles and what was going on in the world around them. We too, can be disciples if we but act out of love of God – our love of Him and His love for us. However, “we can only experience God’s love as much as we’ll let Him in. Even infinite love cannot enter a closed heart.” The more we allow God into our lives, the more we’ll be able to show His love to others. He has “stir[red] in you the desire to do something great with your life” and it’s up to you to find it.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
13.1 Ways a Half Marathon is Like My Life
It's Tuesday, 2 days after I completed my first (and possibly only) half marathon. I'm sitting here sunburned, sore, and nursing a quarter-sized blister on the inside of my toe, but I'm also sitting here reflecting on the experience. I'll be the first to admit that my training was not what it should have been for a half marathon, but I went in knowing it would be a run/walk experience and I was ok with that. My goal was to finish and that's exactly what I did. As I'm reflecting, I'm realizing how my life is a lot like running a half marathon. Let me explain what I mean...
1) Although completing a half marathon was on my bucket list, I never thought I would actually complete one. I never thought I would be affected by mental illness, but I am.
2) Peer pressure can be good. I had lots of people encourage me to sign up for the half marathon (because they were also doing it), just like I had lots of people encourage me to seek help when things got/get bad.
3) I had ups and downs in my training just like my days. I have good days and bad days. Some training days felt really good, others felt like crap. I think everybody can identify with having good and bad days.
4) I didn't train as much as I could (or should) have for the half marathon. As much as I like to think that I'm doing everything I can to manage, I know that there is always something more I can be doing.
5) I was nervous and unsure about actually running/walking up until we actually started the half. I was super nervous and unsure about seeking help until I actually did it.
6) Once we started, I knew we were in for the long haul. I didn't realize it at first, but I now realize that I'm in it for the long haul with my depression and anxiety.
7) There were hills (although not too many and not like the ones in Dubuque) and valleys on the half marathon course. The hills were more difficult to go up, but then we got to see the view and have an easier time going down. There are hills and valleys in life. There are difficult times that I go though, but I can then enjoy the view and hopefully have an easier time for a while.
8) As we reached each mile marker, we had a small celebration. Many times, a mile marker was followed by an aid station with water and Gatorade. Each small accomplishment reminded us that we were that much closer to our big goal of finishing. The same happens in life. I celebrate small accomplishments like getting out of bed with the first (or second) alarm which puts me closer to my big goals in life.
9) People are always there. I had an amazing buddy throughout the whole half marathon (shout out to Kelsey!). She was by my side during the majority of the course. There were also people cheering alongside the course - most often people we didn't know, but people we did know showed up at EXACTLY the right moment. These people cheered us on and even ran part of the course with us. People are always there in life too - they could be there to lend a shoulder to cry on, send an encouraging text, write a letter, or a handful of other things. Sometimes these people walk the whole journey with you and other times they show up when you really need them.
10) There is a great sense of pride and accomplishment at finishing a big (or small) goal. We were excited to reach each mile marker, but we were even more excited to finish. The pride of reaching each small goal encouraged and pushed us to finish the whole thing. Finishing the whole thing brings a sense of accomplishment that can't be taken away. There is a weird sense of pride and accomplishment at (successfully) living with and managing a mental illness. No, I'm not proud that I have to deal with what I do, but I'm proud that I'm living and accomplishing things each and every day.
11) Finishing something big gave us the reason and ability to celebrate with friends. Our friends had us over to their house for a BBQ (and a shower) after finishing the half (shout out to Erin and Shannon!). It was lots of fun for us to be able to celebrate a big accomplishment with friends. While I may not have a party everytime I accomplish something in life, I know there are people around who are proud of me and celebrate in smaller ways, whether that's a high five, a hug, or a trip to get ice cream. Always celebrate those accomplishments in one way or another.
12) The soreness I'm experiencing in the days following the half marathon is a reminder of what I accomplished. Of course, I'd rather not be sore, but it's a great reminder. There are wounds and areas in our life that remind us of how far we've come. I have emotional wounds (or emotional soreness... weird, I know, but work with me) that remind me of how far I've come since diagnosis. I also have friends that have watched me work and grow who can remind me of how far I've come when I can't see it myself.
13) There is a great sense of knowing that I can do it. This helps me to look forward to the future (possibly another race, even if it's just a 5k) and encouraging others to chase their dreams. As I accomplish things in my life, there is that sense of knowing that I CAN do things, even when it seems impossible. I look to this feeling and these accomplishments to help me push through when things get tough.
.1) I couldn't think of a "small" way in which a half marathon is like my life, so I'm just going to include a few pictures. :) P.S. I actually finished in 3:12, but the timer started when the gun went off with the first group.
1) Although completing a half marathon was on my bucket list, I never thought I would actually complete one. I never thought I would be affected by mental illness, but I am.
2) Peer pressure can be good. I had lots of people encourage me to sign up for the half marathon (because they were also doing it), just like I had lots of people encourage me to seek help when things got/get bad.
3) I had ups and downs in my training just like my days. I have good days and bad days. Some training days felt really good, others felt like crap. I think everybody can identify with having good and bad days.
4) I didn't train as much as I could (or should) have for the half marathon. As much as I like to think that I'm doing everything I can to manage, I know that there is always something more I can be doing.
5) I was nervous and unsure about actually running/walking up until we actually started the half. I was super nervous and unsure about seeking help until I actually did it.
6) Once we started, I knew we were in for the long haul. I didn't realize it at first, but I now realize that I'm in it for the long haul with my depression and anxiety.
7) There were hills (although not too many and not like the ones in Dubuque) and valleys on the half marathon course. The hills were more difficult to go up, but then we got to see the view and have an easier time going down. There are hills and valleys in life. There are difficult times that I go though, but I can then enjoy the view and hopefully have an easier time for a while.
8) As we reached each mile marker, we had a small celebration. Many times, a mile marker was followed by an aid station with water and Gatorade. Each small accomplishment reminded us that we were that much closer to our big goal of finishing. The same happens in life. I celebrate small accomplishments like getting out of bed with the first (or second) alarm which puts me closer to my big goals in life.
9) People are always there. I had an amazing buddy throughout the whole half marathon (shout out to Kelsey!). She was by my side during the majority of the course. There were also people cheering alongside the course - most often people we didn't know, but people we did know showed up at EXACTLY the right moment. These people cheered us on and even ran part of the course with us. People are always there in life too - they could be there to lend a shoulder to cry on, send an encouraging text, write a letter, or a handful of other things. Sometimes these people walk the whole journey with you and other times they show up when you really need them.
10) There is a great sense of pride and accomplishment at finishing a big (or small) goal. We were excited to reach each mile marker, but we were even more excited to finish. The pride of reaching each small goal encouraged and pushed us to finish the whole thing. Finishing the whole thing brings a sense of accomplishment that can't be taken away. There is a weird sense of pride and accomplishment at (successfully) living with and managing a mental illness. No, I'm not proud that I have to deal with what I do, but I'm proud that I'm living and accomplishing things each and every day.
11) Finishing something big gave us the reason and ability to celebrate with friends. Our friends had us over to their house for a BBQ (and a shower) after finishing the half (shout out to Erin and Shannon!). It was lots of fun for us to be able to celebrate a big accomplishment with friends. While I may not have a party everytime I accomplish something in life, I know there are people around who are proud of me and celebrate in smaller ways, whether that's a high five, a hug, or a trip to get ice cream. Always celebrate those accomplishments in one way or another.
12) The soreness I'm experiencing in the days following the half marathon is a reminder of what I accomplished. Of course, I'd rather not be sore, but it's a great reminder. There are wounds and areas in our life that remind us of how far we've come. I have emotional wounds (or emotional soreness... weird, I know, but work with me) that remind me of how far I've come since diagnosis. I also have friends that have watched me work and grow who can remind me of how far I've come when I can't see it myself.
13) There is a great sense of knowing that I can do it. This helps me to look forward to the future (possibly another race, even if it's just a 5k) and encouraging others to chase their dreams. As I accomplish things in my life, there is that sense of knowing that I CAN do things, even when it seems impossible. I look to this feeling and these accomplishments to help me push through when things get tough.
.1) I couldn't think of a "small" way in which a half marathon is like my life, so I'm just going to include a few pictures. :) P.S. I actually finished in 3:12, but the timer started when the gun went off with the first group.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
How a single summer changed my life
Totus Tuus... it's Latin for "Totally Yours," and was the Papal motto of St. Pope John Paul II, but it's also the name of a summer program for Catholic youth. For those of you who have never heard of it, it's like bible school...on steroids (those in charge, please don't get mad at me for calling it "bible school"). Really, though, it's so much more than a bible school. Yes, there is learning and fun involved, but it's also about building relationships - with the students, with your team, with Jesus Christ.
Before I get too far into this, I should probably back up just a little bit. Throughout my time at Loras, I would so often hear different people talk about teaching this program called "Totus Tuus." I was intrigued as I had helped with VBS growing up and always loved it. There was just one problem, the Archdiocese of Dubuque didn't have the program and I was unsure about traveling to teach for another Diocese. Well, as the Holy Spirit would have it, I heard that Totus Tuus was coming to the Archdiocese in the summer of 2015 which was perfect timing for me. I didn't already have a job and I knew what I was going to do in the fall, but my summer was wide open. After a bit of prayer and discernment that included talking to previous TT teachers, I decided to apply. After the application was turned in, I was later contacted for an interview. By this point, I was sure I was being called to teach, but I was still nervous about the interview. I knew a lot of the interviewers which should have made me less nervous, but instead made me more nervous. To make a long story short, I was hired along with another young woman and 2 seminarians to lead/teach the inaugural summer of Totus Tuus for the Archdiocese of Dubuque. I had no idea what I was actually getting myself into, but it was the beginning of the hardest summer I've ever loved.
I'll skip most of training, but it was intense. We traveled 9 something hours to Witchita, Kansas for training and arrived at some odd hour in the morning. We slept a couple of hours before starting a crazy week we dubbed "part retreat, part bootcamp." After training, we had about a week to relax and finish preparing lessons before we headed out on our "mission."
To give you a brief idea of what the schedule was like, most weeks the day program started at 9 or 9:30 and we often arrived an hour to an hour and a half early to pray, set up and get things ready. The program ran until 2:30 or 3, and we usually spend 30-45 minutes cleaning and preparing for the next day. After that we would have just a short amount of free time before heading to a family's house for dinner. After dinner, we headed back to the church/school for the evening program which usually started at 7:30 and ran until 9. After the evening program, we often hung around with the kids for a while before heading back to our host family houses and (showering?) hitting the hay to do it all again the next day. Needless to say, the days were exhausting, but we somehow managed to be (at least somewhat) refreshed for the next day. There are a lot of details about the actual program that I'm leaving out because of time (nobody wants to spend a half hour reading a blog...), but if you're interested, let me know and I'd be happy to tell you more!
Ok, now that you've heard about the interview process, training, and the program itself, let's get to the interesting part...how it affected me. Let me remind you, going in, I thought I had an idea of what it would look like, but I quickly found out that I had no idea what I was doing. That being said, I learned a lot that summer (the specifics would be a whole other blog post). I can't really pinpoint one or two things that really changed me that summer; but rather the summer as a whole changed me. I was challenged in so many ways and learned that it's ok to step outside your comfort zone. In fact, you have to step outside your comfort zone if you want to learn and grow. I learned things and grew in ways that will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. The biggest change was allowing myself to be "Totus Tuus;" to let go of everything I could and to let God be in control. I mean, He's always in control, but from that summer on, I have made a conscious effort to let go of the things I can't control and to use His wisdom and help in discerning the things I can control. I don't want to say that I'm great at doing this all of the time, because I'm definitely not, but it has changed my life dramatically for the better. Abandoning yourself into the control of another is not an easy thing to do, but it's something that I've learned is so beneficial and has really changed my life. My hope is that I touched one teammate, one student, one parent, one helper, just one person in my summer teaching Totus Tuus and that they will in turn use what they learned to touch others. Who would have thought that something that started as a summer job would have changed my life?
P.S. Thanks for hanging on for so long... sometimes I ramble. If anybody wants to know more about my Totus Tuus experience, please don't hesitate to comment or contact me directly.
Before I get too far into this, I should probably back up just a little bit. Throughout my time at Loras, I would so often hear different people talk about teaching this program called "Totus Tuus." I was intrigued as I had helped with VBS growing up and always loved it. There was just one problem, the Archdiocese of Dubuque didn't have the program and I was unsure about traveling to teach for another Diocese. Well, as the Holy Spirit would have it, I heard that Totus Tuus was coming to the Archdiocese in the summer of 2015 which was perfect timing for me. I didn't already have a job and I knew what I was going to do in the fall, but my summer was wide open. After a bit of prayer and discernment that included talking to previous TT teachers, I decided to apply. After the application was turned in, I was later contacted for an interview. By this point, I was sure I was being called to teach, but I was still nervous about the interview. I knew a lot of the interviewers which should have made me less nervous, but instead made me more nervous. To make a long story short, I was hired along with another young woman and 2 seminarians to lead/teach the inaugural summer of Totus Tuus for the Archdiocese of Dubuque. I had no idea what I was actually getting myself into, but it was the beginning of the hardest summer I've ever loved.
I'll skip most of training, but it was intense. We traveled 9 something hours to Witchita, Kansas for training and arrived at some odd hour in the morning. We slept a couple of hours before starting a crazy week we dubbed "part retreat, part bootcamp." After training, we had about a week to relax and finish preparing lessons before we headed out on our "mission."
To give you a brief idea of what the schedule was like, most weeks the day program started at 9 or 9:30 and we often arrived an hour to an hour and a half early to pray, set up and get things ready. The program ran until 2:30 or 3, and we usually spend 30-45 minutes cleaning and preparing for the next day. After that we would have just a short amount of free time before heading to a family's house for dinner. After dinner, we headed back to the church/school for the evening program which usually started at 7:30 and ran until 9. After the evening program, we often hung around with the kids for a while before heading back to our host family houses and (showering?) hitting the hay to do it all again the next day. Needless to say, the days were exhausting, but we somehow managed to be (at least somewhat) refreshed for the next day. There are a lot of details about the actual program that I'm leaving out because of time (nobody wants to spend a half hour reading a blog...), but if you're interested, let me know and I'd be happy to tell you more!
Ok, now that you've heard about the interview process, training, and the program itself, let's get to the interesting part...how it affected me. Let me remind you, going in, I thought I had an idea of what it would look like, but I quickly found out that I had no idea what I was doing. That being said, I learned a lot that summer (the specifics would be a whole other blog post). I can't really pinpoint one or two things that really changed me that summer; but rather the summer as a whole changed me. I was challenged in so many ways and learned that it's ok to step outside your comfort zone. In fact, you have to step outside your comfort zone if you want to learn and grow. I learned things and grew in ways that will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. The biggest change was allowing myself to be "Totus Tuus;" to let go of everything I could and to let God be in control. I mean, He's always in control, but from that summer on, I have made a conscious effort to let go of the things I can't control and to use His wisdom and help in discerning the things I can control. I don't want to say that I'm great at doing this all of the time, because I'm definitely not, but it has changed my life dramatically for the better. Abandoning yourself into the control of another is not an easy thing to do, but it's something that I've learned is so beneficial and has really changed my life. My hope is that I touched one teammate, one student, one parent, one helper, just one person in my summer teaching Totus Tuus and that they will in turn use what they learned to touch others. Who would have thought that something that started as a summer job would have changed my life?
P.S. Thanks for hanging on for so long... sometimes I ramble. If anybody wants to know more about my Totus Tuus experience, please don't hesitate to comment or contact me directly.
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