It is Jesus, in fact, that you seek when you dream of happiness

If you were to simply see high school Jackie from the outside, you'd think she had a perfect life. I was a straight-A student who rarely had to study, was involved in tons of extracurricular activities including leadership positions, played on 2 varsity athletic teams, was involved in church and youth group activities, spent time volunteering, and had a loving, supportive family.

What you didn't see though, was the agony and hurt that was going on inside. Not only was there an emotional struggle going on, but a faith struggle as well.

St. John Paul II in his Vigil of Prayer at the 15^th World Youth Day in August of 2000 said “It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”

When I was a senior in high school, I was at the point in my life where I did not think that I was good enough for anything or anyone. I didn’t think that other people cared for me or could love me and I was certain that even God couldn’t love me. I didn’t know what to do, so instead of reaching out and asking for help I just kept everything bottled up inside... my emotions, worries, stresses, everything. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I was essentially living a double life; I wore a mask of happiness around people, but was living a life of darkness when I was alone. A few people saw through my mask, but I reassured them that I was all right because I was too afraid to let them know what was under the mask. Part of wearing this mask was continuing to go to mass on Sundays (sometimes reluctantly) and holy days, praying before meals with my family, and attending youth group when I could. I, however, wasn’t doing these things because I wanted to; I was doing them because my parents said I had to. I think my youth minister could tell that something was missing; that I was “thirsting for fullness that [would] not let me settle for compromise,” so she suggested that I attend a retreat that was aimed for high school seniors and helping them to figure out what to do with their lives. At first I was reluctant to go because it was a new experience and I was incredibly shy, but I believe that it was a calling from God to “shed the masks of [my] false life” and an opportunity for Him to “stir in [me] the desire to do something great with [my] life.”

I first arrived at the retreat and was greeted by incredibly enthusiastic people. I turned in my Ipod, phone, and watch, put my stuff in my assigned classroom which would become my bedroom for the next 3 days, and joined people in the gym. We (a bunch of strangers) started a game of Apples to Apples and I laughed harder than I had in months. Without realizing it, we were being disciples to one another just by being present and I was beginning to let my mask slide off. Later in the weekend, we had the opportunity to receive the sacrament of reconciliation and it was the first time I had received this particular sacrament in quite a while. I remember sharing things with the priest things that had been hurting me for a very long time.  I hadn’t realized just how much my mask weighed and how much lighter I felt after shedding my mask at least temporarily. I could physically feel the weight being lifted. It was at that moment that I realized that God loved me no matter what and that He had a plan for me even if I had no idea what that plan might entail. What I did know, though, was that the first step was to shed my mask and find help. This was an immense turning point in my journey. To follow up this experience, I received a packet of letters and realized that there were even more people that cared about me and wanted to share God’s love with me - people who didn't know me before that day and whom I still didn't know. They were praying for me. They cared. Why? Because I am one of God’s children and it is written “if God so loved us, we also must love one another (1 John 11).” These experiences are what made me realize that I, too, am one of Jesus’ disciples and that I had a “thirst for fullness that would not let me settle for compromise” and that I could and needed to share God’s endless love with others. I realized that it did not matter what I did, how I messed up, or the masks that I tried to hide behind God would always love me even if I did not love myself. I found that my faith in Jesus was something to be proud of. I realized that I did not have to be ashamed or hide it nor did I need to hide behind the mask of my depression.

The retreat started a fire in me; a desire to learn and grow in both my relationships with other people and my personal relationship with God. I wanted to learn about different ways to pray and how I could move beyond “just going through the motions” when I went to mass. When I started college, I knew that the important parts of a strong spiritual life, such as Mass, the Rosary, and daily prayers would be my choice. I found several people at school that shared my thirst for learning about and deepening my faith as well as several people whom I saw as disciples and role models. They all seemed to have a certain joy in their life that I now realize as the “thirst for fullness that would not let them settle for compromise.” Their love of God was evident and they shared God’s love and message with me and others through their both their words and actions. I realized that I, too, wanted to have that love and joy, so I started attending daily Mass and going to adoration. These things, however, did not happen overnight. It’s taken work and practice as well as encouragement from many people. Looking back, I didn’t quite realize just how important that small thirst I had experienced on retreat really was.

In the years since that first retreat, I have been able to shed my mask, and been able to witness in my own life and the lives of others the “thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise.” I have learned that we were not made to do things on our own and that it is ok to ask for help. The people in my life who have that “thirst for fullness” have been the ones I’ve gone to when I’ve been struggling because I know that they are willing to help me in whatever ways possible. They have taught me that life is a journey and we’re all going to struggle at some point. There is no way to get around that. We’re all going to have our bad days or weeks. We may question our faith, question God, and question ourselves, but guess what? God still loves you. He will always love you. This journey that we call life definitely has its rocks and hills, mountains and valleys. He loved the saints and He loves each of us too, no matter if we think we deserve it or are “holy enough.” All saints – canonized or not had a central focus – the love of God. They chose to act out of that love, despite some of their personal struggles and what was going on in the world around them. We too, can be disciples if we but act out of love of God – our love of Him and His love for us. However, “we can only experience God’s love as much as we’ll let Him in. Even infinite love cannot enter a closed heart.” The more we allow God into our lives, the more we’ll be able to show His love to others. He has “stir[red] in you the desire to do something great with your life” and it’s up to you to find it.