To the friends that don't give up on me when I want to give up on myself:

I’m 24. Some of you have known me since I was 5, others I met when I was 12, some I have known since I was 18, and yet others I have just met this year. To be honest, the length of time I’ve known each of you doesn’t really matter. What does matter though, is that you’re still here. You’re still walking this rough and dark path with me. Some of you have walked the road from the beginning, yet others have walked just a portion of the road with me. You have done everything from send me silly videos or encouraging words to sit with me in a dark chapel as I sob; some of you have even cried right along with me. What you’ve done really isn’t important; what is important is that you’ve been there and continue to be there in whatever way you can.

Those days (or usually nights) when I feel like I can no longer go on and reach out to one or more of you, you somehow help me to find (or sometimes you just give me) the strength to go one more day. Sometimes you have to give me strength multiple days in a row, but eventually, I begin to see a glimpse of light again. It doesn’t always happen overnight, but it wouldn’t happen at all without you.

It’s not easy walking this road, and I’m sure it’s not easy being my companion on this road. It is, however, a little bit easier to walk with you standing beside me carrying a lantern. It would be a much longer, darker, and scarier path without you.   

I really wish I had the right words to express my gratitude for each and every one of you. I can say “thank you” over and over again, but it never seems like enough. It seems so trivial to use the same phrase one uses when another person holds the door open for you to express that which has been life-saving in many instances. I just want you each to know how much you (and your actions/words) mean to me.

Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me when all I want to do is give up on myself.

Love, a friend walking in darkness 

To my high school coaches...

Thank you!
I don't think you hear it enough or realize how big of an impact you have on the students you coach. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for all of the encouragement when I was down. Thank you for the yelling at and correcting me because that was how I grew. Thank you for pushing me to be the best that I could be in whatever I happened to be competing in.

To my volleyball coaches:

Thank you for helping to foster my first love for a sport. I never knew, until I played volleyball, that I could love something (that was such hard work and often painful) so much. Thank you for igniting and fanning the passion that grew with each year I played. Yes, I liked volleyball in middle school, but I loved it in high school and part of that was because of you. I could see your passion and love for the game in each practice, game, tournament, team get together, and interaction I had with each of you. You may have yelled at us and made us do countless "go-sixes," but it was only because you loved us and wanted us to get better. While we may not have had the most wins in the scorebook, you never let that stop you from helping us work to improve. You showed me what leadership was and guided me to start becoming a leader both on and off the court. You helped show me and develop the determination that I would need later in life to get through tough times.

 

To my speech coaches:
I don't even know where to start. Thank you for helping take "shy little Jackie" and turn her into someone who can talk in front of large crowds (although it may not be her favorite thing to do). Thank you for taking a genuine interest in each of us students as people, not just as one of "your students" - for truly making us YOUR students and making us feel like family. Not only did your caring and kind nature make each of us feel special, but you also worked to develop a TEAM attitude - acknowledging that we could not function with just individuals (except for maybe in individual competition, but even then, we were encouraged to watch & help one another). Thank you for allowing each of us to help choose our piece(s) which not only made them so much more meaningful, but gave us a sense of responsibility. Thank you for helping us find pieces that were relatable, yet challenging. You gently prodded us to become the best that we could be whether that was in the group or individual competitions. Thank you for helping me develop my confidence which was a struggle for me in my high school years, but has been so helpful since then and will be in my future. Thank you for being amazing!


To my track coaches:

What you don't know is that in 6th grade I told my mom that I didn't like soccer because it was too much running. Why I decided to try track in 7th grade, I'll never know, but thank you for believing that I could make a valuable contribution to the team. I'll be the first to admit that I knew nothing about running when I started track in 7th grade. In my 7th and 8th grade seasons I learned how the sport of track and field worked; I learned the order of the races and how to compete, but what I didn't learn was how to run. You guys took a very awkward freshman (in more than just my running form) and turned her into a runner. I'll never forget the times during warm-ups that you made me run with a penny pinched between my index finger and thumb to stop me from clenching my fists. And when I had that mastered, you told me to pass the penny from finger to finger without dropping it. While this lesson was mostly about correcting my running form, I learned that the small things really do make a difference (in life too, not just running). Then there were the times you told me (over and over again) to run on my toes (for those of you that don't know, I was a sprinter). I'm sure I looked like some kind of weird animal when I first started that, but it worked. And eventually, running without my fists clenched and on my toes became natural. Thank you for helping me do something I never thought I could (and for making it fun too!). Thank you for fostering such a team atmosphere in a sport that could be classified as an individual one. You made each and every one of us feel like an important cog in the wheel of the team while making sure that nothing ever went to our heads. Thank you for really pushing me and reminding me never to give up. Thank you for helping to show me that hard work and dedication really do pay off because I'm certain that if you asked 7th grade Jackie if she would ever run at the state meet, she would have laughed at you. Thank you for reminding (and showing) me how to not take life so seriously (I'm pretty sure there are countless things that came out of your mouth that made us double over in laughter, but I won't post those here). While it was mostly about the running and competing, I learned so much from you about life.

A year in review...#1 at St. JPII

Just the other day I was reminded that I had been in Omaha for 2 years. Those 2 years have been quite the wild ride. I've definitely had my fair share of good days and accomplishments as well as bad days and disappointments. One of the best decisions I have made in these past 2 years has been living at the St. John Paul II Newman Center. Living? At the Newman Center? Yep, you heard me right, the St. JPII Newman Center in Omaha is a residence hall as well as an oratory/parish and community gathering space. Living in this amazing place has been so incredibly good for me, not only spiritually, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Modeled after a monastic community, the "Newman Center" or "JPII" (as it has been affectionately nicknamed by students), opened its doors for the first time in August of 2016. I had the privilege of being one of the first residents to live there. I'll admit, I was a little nervous going in because I was a grad student and a bit older than most of the students, but I quickly found that age (at least in this community) is simply a number. The residents quickly formed an overwhelmingly welcoming community which was further enhanced by the larger community (known as MavCatholic). I quickly found out that "if you're bored, you're doing something wrong" (to borrow a common phrase from my undergraduate years), as there is always something happening at Newman. Here's just a bit of a year in review of some of the activities and events that went on as well as look to the future.

We could say the year started (or continued - however you want to look at it) in July with the mid-summer barbeque). At the BBQ, those who were already involved in MavCatholic were able to get together to catch up as well as meet some of our new residents & community members. This event just got everyone even more excited for the next month when the doors at JPII would be opening for the first time.

Moving day! Sometime mid-August (sorry I can't remember the exact date... 15th or 16th I think), the first-ever residents moved in. It was an exciting time for so many; students from all walks of life - freshman through graduate students, as well as our priests and staff. After getting settled and meeting (new for some) roommates, the resident assistants had us busy doing things to get to know one another. One of the most exciting (or so I'm told; I was gone for a wedding) was the Newman Hall Olympics where the floors competed against one another to be the 1st Annual Newman Hall Olympics Champion. This event kicked off what turned out to be an amazing first year.

Throughout the first year, many fun events were held to help develop the whole person. These ranged from daily adoration and mass to movie nights and even field trips. Some of the favorites from the community were:

Not only did people have favorite events from the year, but they also had favorite memories, moments, or just general things from the Newman Center. One of those favorites was the free coffee. Yes, free coffee. Every. Single. Day. Everybody has their favorite flavor and way of making it. My friend Josh really likes the Caramel Crunch coffee, especially when he makes it iced. I'd have to agree with him! If I wasn't a coffee drinker before (I was...kind of.), I am now!

In April, the biggest event of the school year happened (at least in my eyes). On April 2nd, the oratory was finally dedicated! We went from having mass in Karol's Commons to having a separate worship space. It was quite the ceremony! I don't think I'll ever forget the dedication mass and how beautiful it was. Lots and lots of prayers have already been sent to our Lord within these four walls and many more will be sent in the years to come.

Looking ahead to this school year, there are a lot of fun things planned. Our first big event (aside from the 2nd annual Newman Hall Olympics) is the back to school BBQ which is a part of UNO's Durango Days. It'll be held on Wednesday (Aug. 23rd) during the first week of classes. It's a great way for new students to be introduced to the Newman Center and for those already involved to meet new people. I know I'm looking forward to this event as well as many others to be held throughout the year. I'm especially looking forward to being involved in a Bible Study, community nights, the Sacraments, and just being a part of a great community. Here's what other "Newmanites" are looking forward to:

5 things my friends have wondered about my depression and anxiety

In an unprecedented wave of bravery, I decided to post something personal on my facebook wall.  The message read as follows: “Ok friends, I need your help. I’m looking to write a blog post on my depression and anxiety. What is one (or 2 or 3) question you’d like me to answer about my experiences or what is something you’ve always wondered? Feel free to post here or PM me. Thanks!” In the past I’ve shared social media posts from “The Mighty” and other organizations that pertain to mental illness, but I don’t think I’ve posted anything quite so open. I wasn’t sure if I’d get any responses at all, but I did get a few. Here are the questions and my answers to them. 

• I'm interested in knowing if you ever struggle with the expectations of perfection and excellence that academia and society has.
• Absolutely! Part of my story also has to do with dealing with perfectionism and what is known as "all or nothing thinking." In other words, in my mind, if it wasn't perfect, it wasn't worth doing. As you can probably tell, this can be quite a problem. Growing up, I never really had to try that hard in school; I never really had to study or put in lots of time/effort. I was a straight-A student without really trying and I think that's where part of this warped expectation of perfection came from. I knew I could do well and was always pushing myself to do better (even if that meant trying to improve a 95% on a test to a 98%). Now, striving for "perfection" is not necessarily a bad thing, but when it overtakes your mind and makes you start believing that things aren't worth doing if you can't do them perfectly, that's where the problem lies. I learned a really hard lesson when it came to undergrad; I actually had to study and I had to learn to be ok with a B. I like to think that I've overcome a lot of my perfectionist tendencies, or at least learned to deal with them in a more positive way. I'm trying not to let others (and society) pressure me into achieving the "perfection" that is so often expected of students today. 
• I'm curious as to what types of medical advice you've received - and if you've tried any "alternative" experiments such as the GF diet. 
• The medical advice I've received has ranged from "let's put you on hormonal birth control" to "let's try this medicine instead" [referring to the umpteenth med]. I suppose you could consider the typical "make sure you're exercising, eating right, and getting enough sleep" as medical advice I've received and honestly try to follow.  In addition to my anxiety and depression, I have a condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome (or PCOS for short) which has caused some additional difficulties and has affected my mood. In order to help treat the PCOS (and its symptoms), I am receiving hormone shots 3 times a month and am on a medication specifically for this. I've found that treating the PCOS has actually improved my mood significantly. I have not tried any "alternative" experiments such as the GF diet, although I've read some things that suggest a GF diet could be good for PCOS as well. I'm supposed to be cutting out processed sugar, but I haven't been doing as well with that as I would like. I'm not necessarily against anything "alternative," but being a scientist myself, I like to have solid evidence for something before I blindly jump in. That being said, I'm still doing some research on things such as diet to see if anything might be promising for what I have/am experiencing. 
• Is there something that helps (talking or doing something) at times when you are especially depressed or anxious?
• This is a tough one. The short answer is yes, there are things that help. The more complicated answer is that which of those things help depends on the situation and my mood. Sometimes talking to a person either virtually (fb, texting, skype, etc.) or in person can help. When talking, sometimes I want to talk about what is bothering me and other times I just want to talk about random things to get my mind off of the negative thoughts and darkness. A lot of times a hug along with talking is helpful. Sometimes it's going for a walk with a good friend that helps and sometimes it's simply sitting in my apartment watching tv or a movie. If I have the time, I like to do something creative or read a book (for fun). When I'm especially anxious, the best way to combat it for me is to remove myself from the situation. Now, that is not always possible, so I often like to employ the strategies I mentioned earlier, which are things that I usually use to deal with my depression. Sometimes doing deep breathing and just taking a couple of minutes to ground myself can also help with my anxiety. The biggest thing that I found that helps with both my depression and anxiety is to let the feelings come and to recognize them rather than to ignore or try to cover up the feelings. 
• Looking back is there something that you can now say was the beginning of your depression and anxiety?
• Looking back, I can't say that there is a specific thing or event that was the beginning of my depression and anxiety, but I think I can see when it started. I believe it started much earlier than I really care to admit and I tried to deal with it for far too long on my own before reaching out for help. While I can't pinpoint a specific thing that was the beginning, I do think that my perfectionism played a large role in my developing depression and anxiety. I had put so much pressure on myself and had such unrealistic expectations that it just drove me to not be able to reach them which led to disappointment and frustrations. As far as the anxiety goes, I think I've always been a "worrier." For as long as I can remember, I've been worried about things - sometimes warranted and sometimes unwarranted. I think as I grew older I just had more things to worry about which then manifested itself as anxiety. 
• What are the best ways for friends to support you? 
• Again, this kind of depends on the situation. The best ways for friends to support me right now are to simply reach out. Ask how things are going. I may blow you off or answer "fine" but it really does mean a lot to me. Even if we haven't talked in a while, feel free to reach out. I enjoy positive quotes and songs, so if you come across one of those, send it to me. I know this sounds dumb, but I love receiving snail mail - a short note, a coloring page to help me destress, or a picture of you and your family. Prayer is a big one too. Please just keep me in your prayers even if you don't let me know that you're doing so. Basically, if you're ever wondering how you can help, feel free to ask. Sometimes you may get the answer "I don't know," but just by asking you are showing that you care.

While these are only 5 things that people have wondered about my depression and anxiety, I'm sure there are more questions out there. If you do have questions, feel free to reach out and ask. I'm becoming fairly open about this topic and would love to have a conversation with you. I'd also like to say "thank you" to everyone who has reached out in the past and continues to walk this journey with me. 

Seminarians are like incense at mass...

...or garlic in cooking - you can always use more.

The title and first line are something that Archbishop Michael Jackels (of the Archdiocese of Dubuque) has said on multiple occasions. No, this is not going to be a post on why we need more seminarians and priests, but rather about how seminarians have impacted my life. I often like to think of seminarians as "big brothers you never had." Really, there's something special about them and I was lucky enough to attend a school with a minor seminary attached to it which meant that I was able to get to know several guys who were (about) the same age as I was. I didn't realize how unique it was to attend a school where I could get to know the guys while they were in minor seminary until I graduated; it was just normal for "the sems" to always be around.

This past weekend I was able to witness the ordination of two new transitional deacons and five new priests. It's really quite the experience and I encourage you to go sometime if you've never been. It was such a blessing to be able to be there as Deacons Jacob and Andy and Fathers Ralph, Dennis, Kevin, Andrew, and Austin were ordained. Many of these guys had/have a pretty big impact on my life.

My first experience with a seminarian was during my senior year of high school at a TEC retreat. I'll be honest, at that point in my life I had no idea what a seminarian was, but I learned quickly. Shortly after I checked in at the retreat, this overly-enthusiastic guy came up to me and introduced himself. At that point, I was wondering what I had gotten myself into, but as life would have it, I later found out that this guy was a) a seminarian and b) that he was studying at Loras (where I would be attending school). This certain guy would always help to put a smile on my face whether it was telling a silly story or just saying hi as he passed me on campus. It was nice knowing somebody that I could talk to or ask questions of as I started my adventure at Loras. Through him, and just being at Loras in general, I got to know some of the other guys who would eventually become good friends.

I wish I had the time to write about each of these guys individually, but I don't (and I don't want to make this too long). But I just want them to all know that they've made a difference in my life (and I'm sure so many others' lives as well). It's quite amazing to watch them go from a seminarian to a deacon to a priest. I appreciate all of the times they've reached out, listened, prayed, and were a great friend to me, despite being busy with their own studies and lives. I really encourage you to get to know a seminarian or two. Even if you can't get to know them personally, pray for them as they are the future priests of your (arch)diocese.  

It is Jesus, in fact, that you seek when you dream of happiness

If you were to simply see high school Jackie from the outside, you'd think she had a perfect life. I was a straight-A student who rarely had to study, was involved in tons of extracurricular activities including leadership positions, played on 2 varsity athletic teams, was involved in church and youth group activities, spent time volunteering, and had a loving, supportive family.

What you didn't see though, was the agony and hurt that was going on inside. Not only was there an emotional struggle going on, but a faith struggle as well.

St. John Paul II in his Vigil of Prayer at the 15^th World Youth Day in August of 2000 said “It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”

When I was a senior in high school, I was at the point in my life where I did not think that I was good enough for anything or anyone. I didn’t think that other people cared for me or could love me and I was certain that even God couldn’t love me. I didn’t know what to do, so instead of reaching out and asking for help I just kept everything bottled up inside... my emotions, worries, stresses, everything. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I was essentially living a double life; I wore a mask of happiness around people, but was living a life of darkness when I was alone. A few people saw through my mask, but I reassured them that I was all right because I was too afraid to let them know what was under the mask. Part of wearing this mask was continuing to go to mass on Sundays (sometimes reluctantly) and holy days, praying before meals with my family, and attending youth group when I could. I, however, wasn’t doing these things because I wanted to; I was doing them because my parents said I had to. I think my youth minister could tell that something was missing; that I was “thirsting for fullness that [would] not let me settle for compromise,” so she suggested that I attend a retreat that was aimed for high school seniors and helping them to figure out what to do with their lives. At first I was reluctant to go because it was a new experience and I was incredibly shy, but I believe that it was a calling from God to “shed the masks of [my] false life” and an opportunity for Him to “stir in [me] the desire to do something great with [my] life.”

I first arrived at the retreat and was greeted by incredibly enthusiastic people. I turned in my Ipod, phone, and watch, put my stuff in my assigned classroom which would become my bedroom for the next 3 days, and joined people in the gym. We (a bunch of strangers) started a game of Apples to Apples and I laughed harder than I had in months. Without realizing it, we were being disciples to one another just by being present and I was beginning to let my mask slide off. Later in the weekend, we had the opportunity to receive the sacrament of reconciliation and it was the first time I had received this particular sacrament in quite a while. I remember sharing things with the priest things that had been hurting me for a very long time.  I hadn’t realized just how much my mask weighed and how much lighter I felt after shedding my mask at least temporarily. I could physically feel the weight being lifted. It was at that moment that I realized that God loved me no matter what and that He had a plan for me even if I had no idea what that plan might entail. What I did know, though, was that the first step was to shed my mask and find help. This was an immense turning point in my journey. To follow up this experience, I received a packet of letters and realized that there were even more people that cared about me and wanted to share God’s love with me - people who didn't know me before that day and whom I still didn't know. They were praying for me. They cared. Why? Because I am one of God’s children and it is written “if God so loved us, we also must love one another (1 John 11).” These experiences are what made me realize that I, too, am one of Jesus’ disciples and that I had a “thirst for fullness that would not let me settle for compromise” and that I could and needed to share God’s endless love with others. I realized that it did not matter what I did, how I messed up, or the masks that I tried to hide behind God would always love me even if I did not love myself. I found that my faith in Jesus was something to be proud of. I realized that I did not have to be ashamed or hide it nor did I need to hide behind the mask of my depression.

The retreat started a fire in me; a desire to learn and grow in both my relationships with other people and my personal relationship with God. I wanted to learn about different ways to pray and how I could move beyond “just going through the motions” when I went to mass. When I started college, I knew that the important parts of a strong spiritual life, such as Mass, the Rosary, and daily prayers would be my choice. I found several people at school that shared my thirst for learning about and deepening my faith as well as several people whom I saw as disciples and role models. They all seemed to have a certain joy in their life that I now realize as the “thirst for fullness that would not let them settle for compromise.” Their love of God was evident and they shared God’s love and message with me and others through their both their words and actions. I realized that I, too, wanted to have that love and joy, so I started attending daily Mass and going to adoration. These things, however, did not happen overnight. It’s taken work and practice as well as encouragement from many people. Looking back, I didn’t quite realize just how important that small thirst I had experienced on retreat really was.

In the years since that first retreat, I have been able to shed my mask, and been able to witness in my own life and the lives of others the “thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise.” I have learned that we were not made to do things on our own and that it is ok to ask for help. The people in my life who have that “thirst for fullness” have been the ones I’ve gone to when I’ve been struggling because I know that they are willing to help me in whatever ways possible. They have taught me that life is a journey and we’re all going to struggle at some point. There is no way to get around that. We’re all going to have our bad days or weeks. We may question our faith, question God, and question ourselves, but guess what? God still loves you. He will always love you. This journey that we call life definitely has its rocks and hills, mountains and valleys. He loved the saints and He loves each of us too, no matter if we think we deserve it or are “holy enough.” All saints – canonized or not had a central focus – the love of God. They chose to act out of that love, despite some of their personal struggles and what was going on in the world around them. We too, can be disciples if we but act out of love of God – our love of Him and His love for us. However, “we can only experience God’s love as much as we’ll let Him in. Even infinite love cannot enter a closed heart.” The more we allow God into our lives, the more we’ll be able to show His love to others. He has “stir[red] in you the desire to do something great with your life” and it’s up to you to find it. 

13.1 Ways a Half Marathon is Like My Life

It's Tuesday, 2 days after I completed my first (and possibly only) half marathon. I'm sitting here sunburned, sore, and nursing a quarter-sized blister on the inside of my toe, but I'm also sitting here reflecting on the experience. I'll be the first to admit that my training was not what it should have been for a half marathon, but I went in knowing it would be a run/walk experience and I was ok with that. My goal was to finish and that's exactly what I did. As I'm reflecting, I'm realizing how my life is a lot like running a half marathon. Let me explain what I mean...

1) Although completing a half marathon was on my bucket list, I never thought I would actually complete one. I never thought I would be affected by mental illness, but I am.
2) Peer pressure can be good. I had lots of people encourage me to sign up for the half marathon (because they were also doing it), just like I had lots of people encourage me to seek help when things got/get bad.
3) I had ups and downs in my training just like my days. I have good days and bad days. Some training days felt really good, others felt like crap. I think everybody can identify with having good and bad days.
4) I didn't train as much as I could (or should) have for the half marathon. As much as I like to think that I'm doing everything I can to manage, I know that there is always something more I can be doing.
5) I was nervous and unsure about actually running/walking up until we actually started the half. I was super nervous and unsure about seeking help until I actually did it.
6) Once we started, I knew we were in for the long haul. I didn't realize it at first, but I now realize that I'm in it for the long haul with my depression and anxiety.
7) There were hills (although not too many and not like the ones in Dubuque) and valleys on the half marathon course. The hills were more difficult to go up, but then we got to see the view and have an easier time going down. There are hills and valleys in life. There are difficult times that I go though, but I can then enjoy the view and hopefully have an easier time for a while.
8) As we reached each mile marker, we had a small celebration. Many times, a mile marker was followed by an aid station with water and Gatorade. Each small accomplishment reminded us that we were that much closer to our big goal of finishing. The same happens in life. I celebrate small accomplishments like getting out of bed with the first (or second) alarm which puts me closer to my big goals in life.
9) People are always there. I had an amazing buddy throughout the whole half marathon (shout out to Kelsey!). She was by my side during the majority of the course. There were also people cheering alongside the course - most often people we didn't know, but people we did know showed up at EXACTLY the right moment. These people cheered us on and even ran part of the course with us. People are always there in life too - they could be there to lend a shoulder to cry on, send an encouraging text, write a letter, or a handful of other things. Sometimes these people walk the whole journey with you and other times they show up when you really need them.
10) There is a great sense of pride and accomplishment at finishing a big (or small) goal. We were excited to reach each mile marker, but we were even more excited to finish. The pride of reaching each small goal encouraged and pushed us to finish the whole thing. Finishing the whole thing brings a sense of accomplishment that can't be taken away. There is a weird sense of pride and accomplishment at (successfully) living with and managing a mental illness. No, I'm not proud that I have to deal with what I do, but I'm proud that I'm living and accomplishing things each and every day.
11) Finishing something big gave us the reason and ability to celebrate with friends. Our friends had us over to their house for a BBQ (and a shower) after finishing the half (shout out to Erin and Shannon!). It was lots of fun for us to be able to celebrate a big accomplishment with friends. While I may not have a party everytime I accomplish something in life, I know there are people around who are proud of me and celebrate in smaller ways, whether that's a high five, a hug, or a trip to get ice cream. Always celebrate those accomplishments in one way or another.
12) The soreness I'm experiencing in the days following the half marathon is a reminder of what I accomplished. Of course, I'd rather not be sore, but it's a great reminder. There are wounds and areas in our life that remind us of how far we've come. I have emotional wounds (or emotional soreness... weird, I know, but work with me) that remind me of how far I've come since diagnosis. I also have friends that have watched me work and grow who can remind me of how far I've come when I can't see it myself.
13) There is a great sense of knowing that I can do it. This helps me to look forward to the future (possibly another race, even if it's just a 5k) and encouraging others to chase their dreams. As I accomplish things in my life, there is that sense of knowing that I CAN do things, even when it seems impossible. I look to this feeling and these accomplishments to help me push through when things get tough.
.1) I couldn't think of a "small" way in which a half marathon is like my life, so I'm just going to include a few pictures. :) P.S. I actually finished in 3:12, but the timer started when the gun went off with the first group.

How a single summer changed my life

Totus Tuus... it's Latin for "Totally Yours," and was the Papal motto of St. Pope John Paul II, but it's also the name of a summer program for Catholic youth. For those of you who have never heard of it, it's like bible school...on steroids (those in charge, please don't get mad at me for calling it "bible school"). Really, though, it's so much more than a bible school. Yes, there is learning and fun involved, but it's also about building relationships - with the students, with your team, with Jesus Christ.

Before I get too far into this, I should probably back up just a little bit. Throughout my time at Loras, I would so often hear different people talk about teaching this program called "Totus Tuus." I was intrigued as I had helped with VBS growing up and always loved it. There was just one problem, the Archdiocese of Dubuque didn't have the program and I was unsure about traveling to teach for another Diocese. Well, as the Holy Spirit would have it, I heard that Totus Tuus was coming to the Archdiocese in the summer of 2015 which was perfect timing for me. I didn't already have a job and I knew what I was going to do in the fall, but my summer was wide open. After a bit of prayer and discernment that included talking to previous TT teachers, I decided to apply. After the application was turned in, I was later contacted for an interview. By this point, I was sure I was being called to teach, but I was still nervous about the interview. I knew a lot of the interviewers which should have made me less nervous, but instead made me more nervous. To make a long story short, I was hired along with another young woman and 2 seminarians to lead/teach the inaugural summer of Totus Tuus for the Archdiocese of Dubuque. I had no idea what I was actually getting myself into, but it was the beginning of the hardest summer I've ever loved.

I'll skip most of training, but it was intense. We traveled 9 something hours to Witchita, Kansas for training and arrived at some odd hour in the morning. We slept a couple of hours before starting a crazy week we dubbed "part retreat, part bootcamp." After training, we had about a week to relax and finish preparing lessons before we headed out on our "mission."

To give you a brief idea of what the schedule was like, most weeks the day program started at 9 or 9:30 and we often arrived an hour to an hour and a half early to pray, set up and get things ready. The program ran until 2:30 or 3, and we usually spend 30-45 minutes cleaning and preparing for the next day. After that we would have just a short amount of free time before heading to a family's house for dinner. After dinner, we headed back to the church/school for the evening program which usually started at 7:30 and ran until 9. After the evening program, we often hung around with the kids for a while before heading back to our host family houses and (showering?) hitting the hay to do it all again the next day. Needless to say, the days were exhausting, but we somehow managed to be (at least somewhat) refreshed for the next day. There are a lot of details about the actual program that I'm leaving out because of time (nobody wants to spend a half hour reading a blog...), but if you're interested, let me know and I'd be happy to tell you more!

Ok, now that you've heard about the interview process, training, and the program itself, let's get to the interesting part...how it affected me. Let me remind you, going in, I thought I had an idea of what it would look like, but I quickly found out that I had no idea what I was doing. That being said, I learned a lot that summer (the specifics would be a whole other blog post). I can't really pinpoint one or two things that really changed me that summer; but rather the summer as a whole changed me. I was challenged in so many ways and learned that it's ok to step outside your comfort zone. In fact, you have to step outside your comfort zone if you want to learn and grow. I learned things and grew in ways that will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. The biggest change was allowing myself to be "Totus Tuus;" to let go of everything I could and to let God be in control. I mean, He's always in control, but from that summer on, I have made a conscious effort to let go of the things I can't control and to use His wisdom and help in discerning the things I can control. I don't want to say that I'm great at doing this all of the time, because I'm definitely not, but it has changed my life dramatically for the better. Abandoning yourself into the control of another is not an easy thing to do, but it's something that I've learned is so beneficial and has really changed my life.  My hope is that I touched one teammate, one student, one parent, one helper, just one person in my summer teaching Totus Tuus and that they will in turn use what they learned to touch others. Who would have thought that something that started as a summer job would have changed my life?

P.S. Thanks for hanging on for so long... sometimes I ramble. If anybody wants to know more about my Totus Tuus experience, please don't hesitate to comment or contact me directly.

Sometimes...you just need to be held

Sometimes (although rarely) I can get out of bed and be in the lab before 7am, other times my roommate has to turn on my light, remove my blankets, fetch me coffee and still wait patiently for me to get out of bed (after 10am).

Sometimes I eat 3 full, balanced meals; sometimes I survive on coffee and chocolate.

Sometimes I'm strong and a shoulder for others; sometimes I'm weak and need a shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes I feel God's presence and sometimes I feel completely abandoned by Him.

Sometimes I have it all together; sometimes it appears as though I have it all together, and other times I'm a complete mess. And when I say complete mess I mean A COMPLETE MESS.

But you know what? It's ok. Now, I'm not saying that it's acceptable to completely forgo food and try to live on coffee and chocolate (I've tried...it doesn't work well), but it's okay to not have it all together. It's okay to be a mess. We hear all the time that "no one is perfect" and it's true whether we believe it or not. Have I always thought this way? Absolutely not. Am I still learning? You betcha!

A line in the song"Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns perfectly describes how I have so often felt: "Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong, but life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on." Despite how one might be feeling on the inside, society has this expectation that we still hold it together, put on a facade and pretend that everything is fine. What I'm learning, however, is that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not have it all together. This is much easier said than done and believe me, I've been working on it for a while and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

Now that the societal aspect is out of the way, let's move into something that's perhaps more difficult than admitting that we're not okay... letting ourselves be held. No, I'm not talking about being held by a friend while you cry or talk about difficult things, although that can be very comforting when you're admitting that you're not okay and/or having a bad day. I'm not talking about the extended hug you give your parents before you leave to head back to wherever you're going. I'm talking about being held by the Father. Just sitting in the silence and letting His love surround you. In our noisy, busy world, how often do we allow ourselves to "just be held?" I challenge you to listen to the song a couple of times paying special attention to the lyrics. What stands out to you? What can you do to allow yourself to "just be held?"

This is a drawing I did last summer after first hearing the song (and then listening to it on repeat until I had it memorized). The lines of the hand are actually the lyrics to the song.

Namesake

I'm not exactly sure when or where I first came across this poem or even who wrote it (I've seen authorship attributed to a few different people), but I'm positive it was sometime during my first 2 years of undergrad at Loras. It really spoke to me then and continues to speak to me each time I read it. I used to have it posted next to my bed and next to my crucifix, but my copies have since gotten lost in a couple of moves. Despite being lost, I frequently look up the poem and read it a couple of times, especially when I'm going through something tough. Not only does it remind me to "hang it on the cross," but it allows me to remember that I don't bear my cross alone. 

After some recent events and some thinking and praying, I've decided to start this blog. I don't know what I'm going to write about or even how often, but I'm going to try it out. Who knows I may post a few times and abandon it, but it's worth a shot. Let me know if there are any specific things you'd like to hear from me about. God bless and enjoy the poem!

Hang It On The Cross

If you have a secret sorrow, a burden or a loss, an aching need for healing... Hang It On The Cross. If worry steals your sleep and makes you turn and toss, if your heart is feeling heavy... Hang It On The Cross. Every obstacle to faith or doubt you come across, every prayer unanswered... Hang It On The Cross. For Christ has borne our brokeness and dearly paid the cost To turn our trials to triumph... Hanging On The Cross.