Dear Younger Me

Dear younger me,
It's not your fault. You had no idea what was happening and could not have stopped or changed it no matter how hard you tried. It's not your fault that the chemicals in your brain were (are) imbalanced. You poured your heart and soul into your extra-curricular activities hoping to keep your mind occupied; the less time you had to think, the better. You pretended to sleep on the bus rides to/from sports & speech competitions simply to keep yourself from crying; sometimes the tears would come anyway. Sometimes the tears would come during class; you were super embarrassed about this even though you couldn't help it. Yes, there were opportunities to talk to someone who probably could have helped. Yes, that probably would have changed the trajectory of your life. Yes, there are regrets now. You were scared and naive. You didn't know what was happening. Looking back, you know what it was, but you didn't know then. You thought you were exhibiting signs that someone else would have picked up on. Other people either didn't see it or chose not to say anything. This could have been for a variety of reasons. You even feebly attempted to reach out for help but were told that "everybody feels down in the winter." You took on this person's attitude assuming things would improve; they didn't. You thought no one else was experiencing what you were; you seemingly had no one to turn to.


Dear younger me,
I want you to know that you did the best you could given your circumstances.
Dear younger me,
I want you to know that you accomplished more than most students do in high school, all while battling internal demons that almost broke you.
Dear younger me,
There were people in your life that cared about you. They may not have known how to help, but they did care and valued your friendship.
Dear younger me,
Yes, current me has many regrets about you & the choices you made, but I recognize that there's nothing I can do about it now. Dwelling on those past regrets can (and will) only pull you deeper into the darkness.
Dear younger me,
Although I sometimes wish the ride would have been smoother, it made me the person I am today.
Dear younger me,
Thank you for putting one foot in front of the other and fighting to get through each and every day.
Dear younger me,
If only I had known then what I know now...


This post was inspired by the song "Dear Younger Me" by MercyMe (click the link to hear the song/see the lyrics). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l70C3ePyIQ