Dear younger me,
It's not your fault. You had no idea what was happening and could not have stopped or changed it no matter how hard you tried. It's not your fault that the chemicals in your brain were (are) imbalanced. You poured your heart and soul into your extra-curricular activities hoping to keep your mind occupied; the less time you had to think, the better. You pretended to sleep on the bus rides to/from sports & speech competitions simply to keep yourself from crying; sometimes the tears would come anyway. Sometimes the tears would come during class; you were super embarrassed about this even though you couldn't help it. Yes, there were opportunities to talk to someone who probably could have helped. Yes, that probably would have changed the trajectory of your life. Yes, there are regrets now. You were scared and naive. You didn't know what was happening. Looking back, you know what it was, but you didn't know then. You thought you were exhibiting signs that someone else would have picked up on. Other people either didn't see it or chose not to say anything. This could have been for a variety of reasons. You even feebly attempted to reach out for help but were told that "everybody feels down in the winter." You took on this person's attitude assuming things would improve; they didn't. You thought no one else was experiencing what you were; you seemingly had no one to turn to.
Dear younger me,
I want you to know that you did the best you could given your circumstances.
Dear younger me,
I want you to know that you accomplished more than most students do in high school, all while battling internal demons that almost broke you.
Dear younger me,
There were people in your life that cared about you. They may not have known how to help, but they did care and valued your friendship.
Dear younger me,
Yes, current me has many regrets about you & the choices you made, but I recognize that there's nothing I can do about it now. Dwelling on those past regrets can (and will) only pull you deeper into the darkness.
Dear younger me,
Although I sometimes wish the ride would have been smoother, it made me the person I am today.
Dear younger me,
Thank you for putting one foot in front of the other and fighting to get through each and every day.
Dear younger me,
If only I had known then what I know now...
This post was inspired by the song "Dear Younger Me" by MercyMe (click the link to hear the song/see the lyrics). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l70C3ePyIQ
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Friday, February 2, 2018
Sharing grace & a practice homily
Hi friends! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but life has gotten quite busy with Christmastime, an adventure to Chicago, and now trying to finish up my thesis research. Let's talk a little bit more about that adventure to Chicago. The first few days of the year were spent there attending FOCUS's SLS (student leadership summit) conference. I had a very powerful experience during prayer teams (more on that in another post). On the bus ride back to Omaha, we shared graces from the week at the conference and mine was remembered by a friend as he worked on a school assignment. The unique thing about this friend & this assignment though is that he is a seminarian (one studying to be a priest) and his assignment was to write & give a practice homily. God-willing he will be ordained a deacon later this year. When he asked if he could use a bit of my testimony in his homily, I quickly agreed as my hope in sharing the grace was that it would inspire others. So, needless to say, for this post, we have Bill's practice homily which goes along with the readings for this coming Sunday, Feb 4th (the 4th Sunday in Ordinary Time). Here's a link to the readings if you would like to read them before continuing to read his homily below (http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/020418.cfm).
How do you endure a sleepless night? I know that I really hate those times, knowing that I have a busy day coming up and need rest, but due to anxiety, illness, pain, excitement, or whatever else, I just can’t get to sleep. Even more, it’s during these sleepless nights that our suffering becomes amplified. In the dark and delirium, everything becomes a little scarier, showing why horror movies often contain this theme of darkness and restlessness. You can probably identify a recent time when you couldn’t get to sleep and became filled with fear, confusion, or suffering. Maybe it was a couple of months ago. Maybe it was last night. This is what Job is experiencing in the first reading today. He says, “So I have been assigned months of misery, and troubled nights have been allotted to me. If in bed I say, ‘When shall I arise?’ then the night drags on; I am filled with restlessness until the dawn.” Imagine how dark and scary these painful nights are for Job in the midst of his sufferings; can we at least relate to him a little bit? Often times, the question that first comes to us when we suffer is, “Why? Why am I lying awake on this miserable night? Why are things falling apart around me? Why am I suffering from this event or because of this person?” And as we know, there’s really no way we can answer this question in the moment. We don’t know why – we don’t have the full picture. And in fact, with the seeming randomness of the world, as we see in natural disasters and sudden accidents, there is sometimes no answer to be found. Instead of why, I’d like to propose a new question for us to ask. “To whom will we go in our suffering?” When we suffer, because we all do to some extent, to whom do we go? Do we turn in upon ourselves, putting up walls and not letting anyone else in? Or do we turn to others to help us, entrusting our problems to them and being vulnerable? Most importantly, do we turn to Jesus and cry out to Him for His healing and grace? Look at today’s Gospel, and we see several instances of how this happens. Simon Peter’s mother-in-law is sick in bed with a fever. This may seem like something small, but remember that there were no prescription medications or pain relievers back in Jesus’ time. A fever could easily turn into something deadly. It is into this situation that Jesus comes. By grasping her hand and lifting her up, he heals her. Then consider all of those who came to Jesus. It is nighttime, and in this darkness, probably illuminated by a just few candles and the moonlight, the whole town comes to Jesus. One by one, Jesus heals them and drives out their demons. Some of these who came to him likely struggled out of their beds, desperate for something to happen, and indeed, Jesus does provide them with healing and a new life. From all that I’ve seen as a disciple and now as a soon-to-be-deacon, I say confidently along with all the saints: when we pray to Jesus with sincere hearts, it may not be what we expect, but something always happens. Jesus always hears us, and he provides us with what we most need. We can reflect on the painful times in our lives and see: there are the graces that I needed to make it though, there are the people who walked with me as Christ would. And when we ask him to open our eyes to His graces, we begin to see them all around us, and we can hear plenty of testimonies to how Jesus is healing and loving us today. I was reminded of this recently through a student I know at the University of Nebraska-Omaha. The first week of January, I accompanied the Newman Center on their trip to Chicago for the Student Leadership Summit, put on by FOCUS, the Fellowship of Catholic University Students. After five days of prayer, talks, and a lot of fun with the 8,000 others who attended the conference, we did a sharing of graces and testimonies on the bus ride home, and this student shared her story. As I prepared for this homily, her story came to mind, and I asked her to write about her experience, which she did so gladly. I knew her a little bit before the conference, and I was aware that she had been going through several difficulties. She said that, “Before the conference, I had a really hard time accepting God’s love for me (mostly stemming from mental illness & other personal struggles). I knew I was loved and that I was a beloved daughter of the King, but it was never ‘real’ for me.” Then she shares her experience from the conference, saying: “I literally saw the face of Jesus. During prayer teams, which were available on the third night of the conference, one of the people praying with me asked me to look into the eyes of the other person there while he continued to pray. During that time of prayer, I saw such kindness, compassion, and care in the eyes of that missionary that I didn't see her anymore. It was as if I was looking directly into the eyes of Jesus. I felt, for the first time in my life, completely and utterly loved by the Father. It allowed me to recognize, in a profound way, His love for me and my identity as a beloved daughter of God.” In the midst of her suffering, Jesus came to her in a real way, and it’s certainly affected her life. It’s not that the difficulties and darkness magically disappeared, but she received a new strength and courage to enter this semester, knowing that Christ was always with her. Particularly, she wrote that, “Even Mass, which can become so routine to so many of us, has taken on a new meaning in a way that allows my soul to receive a hug from Jesus every time I receive Him in the Eucharist.” Her story reminds us: if God truly has an infinite and personal love for us, He desires to show us glimpses of this love in the midst of our suffering. He has something unique to share with all of us, and our response is to seek out and ask for this love and healing because Christ desires us to come to Him as we are. In him, we see that he is also the ultimate answer to, “Why?”, that he has made us for himself and desires our response of love. He himself gives us the example to follow: in the Gospel today, he gets up out of his own bed early in the dark morning to seek the Father’s face in prayer, giving him strength. So we too can turn to the Lord in prayer anytime we are suffering, asking him for healing, strength, and peace. To whom shall we go in our suffering, in our sleepless nights, in our restlessness? We can all bring that to prayer in this week; just to simply imagine Jesus looking upon us in love, just as he looked upon Job in his suffering, just as he saw Simon’s mother-in-law as she lay in her bed, just as he looked upon all those coming for healing, just as he looked upon my friend in her suffering and doubts. And with this look of love, we can then rest in His peace, until the dawn of heaven comes.
How do you endure a sleepless night? I know that I really hate those times, knowing that I have a busy day coming up and need rest, but due to anxiety, illness, pain, excitement, or whatever else, I just can’t get to sleep. Even more, it’s during these sleepless nights that our suffering becomes amplified. In the dark and delirium, everything becomes a little scarier, showing why horror movies often contain this theme of darkness and restlessness. You can probably identify a recent time when you couldn’t get to sleep and became filled with fear, confusion, or suffering. Maybe it was a couple of months ago. Maybe it was last night. This is what Job is experiencing in the first reading today. He says, “So I have been assigned months of misery, and troubled nights have been allotted to me. If in bed I say, ‘When shall I arise?’ then the night drags on; I am filled with restlessness until the dawn.” Imagine how dark and scary these painful nights are for Job in the midst of his sufferings; can we at least relate to him a little bit? Often times, the question that first comes to us when we suffer is, “Why? Why am I lying awake on this miserable night? Why are things falling apart around me? Why am I suffering from this event or because of this person?” And as we know, there’s really no way we can answer this question in the moment. We don’t know why – we don’t have the full picture. And in fact, with the seeming randomness of the world, as we see in natural disasters and sudden accidents, there is sometimes no answer to be found. Instead of why, I’d like to propose a new question for us to ask. “To whom will we go in our suffering?” When we suffer, because we all do to some extent, to whom do we go? Do we turn in upon ourselves, putting up walls and not letting anyone else in? Or do we turn to others to help us, entrusting our problems to them and being vulnerable? Most importantly, do we turn to Jesus and cry out to Him for His healing and grace? Look at today’s Gospel, and we see several instances of how this happens. Simon Peter’s mother-in-law is sick in bed with a fever. This may seem like something small, but remember that there were no prescription medications or pain relievers back in Jesus’ time. A fever could easily turn into something deadly. It is into this situation that Jesus comes. By grasping her hand and lifting her up, he heals her. Then consider all of those who came to Jesus. It is nighttime, and in this darkness, probably illuminated by a just few candles and the moonlight, the whole town comes to Jesus. One by one, Jesus heals them and drives out their demons. Some of these who came to him likely struggled out of their beds, desperate for something to happen, and indeed, Jesus does provide them with healing and a new life. From all that I’ve seen as a disciple and now as a soon-to-be-deacon, I say confidently along with all the saints: when we pray to Jesus with sincere hearts, it may not be what we expect, but something always happens. Jesus always hears us, and he provides us with what we most need. We can reflect on the painful times in our lives and see: there are the graces that I needed to make it though, there are the people who walked with me as Christ would. And when we ask him to open our eyes to His graces, we begin to see them all around us, and we can hear plenty of testimonies to how Jesus is healing and loving us today. I was reminded of this recently through a student I know at the University of Nebraska-Omaha. The first week of January, I accompanied the Newman Center on their trip to Chicago for the Student Leadership Summit, put on by FOCUS, the Fellowship of Catholic University Students. After five days of prayer, talks, and a lot of fun with the 8,000 others who attended the conference, we did a sharing of graces and testimonies on the bus ride home, and this student shared her story. As I prepared for this homily, her story came to mind, and I asked her to write about her experience, which she did so gladly. I knew her a little bit before the conference, and I was aware that she had been going through several difficulties. She said that, “Before the conference, I had a really hard time accepting God’s love for me (mostly stemming from mental illness & other personal struggles). I knew I was loved and that I was a beloved daughter of the King, but it was never ‘real’ for me.” Then she shares her experience from the conference, saying: “I literally saw the face of Jesus. During prayer teams, which were available on the third night of the conference, one of the people praying with me asked me to look into the eyes of the other person there while he continued to pray. During that time of prayer, I saw such kindness, compassion, and care in the eyes of that missionary that I didn't see her anymore. It was as if I was looking directly into the eyes of Jesus. I felt, for the first time in my life, completely and utterly loved by the Father. It allowed me to recognize, in a profound way, His love for me and my identity as a beloved daughter of God.” In the midst of her suffering, Jesus came to her in a real way, and it’s certainly affected her life. It’s not that the difficulties and darkness magically disappeared, but she received a new strength and courage to enter this semester, knowing that Christ was always with her. Particularly, she wrote that, “Even Mass, which can become so routine to so many of us, has taken on a new meaning in a way that allows my soul to receive a hug from Jesus every time I receive Him in the Eucharist.” Her story reminds us: if God truly has an infinite and personal love for us, He desires to show us glimpses of this love in the midst of our suffering. He has something unique to share with all of us, and our response is to seek out and ask for this love and healing because Christ desires us to come to Him as we are. In him, we see that he is also the ultimate answer to, “Why?”, that he has made us for himself and desires our response of love. He himself gives us the example to follow: in the Gospel today, he gets up out of his own bed early in the dark morning to seek the Father’s face in prayer, giving him strength. So we too can turn to the Lord in prayer anytime we are suffering, asking him for healing, strength, and peace. To whom shall we go in our suffering, in our sleepless nights, in our restlessness? We can all bring that to prayer in this week; just to simply imagine Jesus looking upon us in love, just as he looked upon Job in his suffering, just as he saw Simon’s mother-in-law as she lay in her bed, just as he looked upon all those coming for healing, just as he looked upon my friend in her suffering and doubts. And with this look of love, we can then rest in His peace, until the dawn of heaven comes.
Monday, November 20, 2017
To the friends that don't give up on me when I want to give up on myself:
I’m 24. Some of you have known me since I was 5, others I met when I was 12, some I have known since I was 18, and yet others I have just met this year. To be honest, the length of time I’ve known each of you doesn’t really matter. What does matter though, is that you’re still here. You’re still walking this rough and dark path with me. Some of you have walked the road from the beginning, yet others have walked just a portion of the road with me. You have done everything from send me silly videos or encouraging words to sit with me in a dark chapel as I sob; some of you have even cried right along with me. What you’ve done really isn’t important; what is important is that you’ve been there and continue to be there in whatever way you can.
Those days (or usually nights) when I feel like I can no longer go on and reach out to one or more of you, you somehow help me to find (or sometimes you just give me) the strength to go one more day. Sometimes you have to give me strength multiple days in a row, but eventually, I begin to see a glimpse of light again. It doesn’t always happen overnight, but it wouldn’t happen at all without you.
It’s not easy walking this road, and I’m sure it’s not easy being my companion on this road. It is, however, a little bit easier to walk with you standing beside me carrying a lantern. It would be a much longer, darker, and scarier path without you.
I really wish I had the right words to express my gratitude for each and every one of you. I can say “thank you” over and over again, but it never seems like enough. It seems so trivial to use the same phrase one uses when another person holds the door open for you to express that which has been life-saving in many instances. I just want you each to know how much you (and your actions/words) mean to me.
Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me when all I want to do is give up on myself.
Love, a friend walking in darkness
Thursday, August 31, 2017
To my high school coaches...
Thank you!
I don't think you hear it enough or realize how big of an impact you have on the students you coach. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for all of the encouragement when I was down. Thank you for the yelling at and correcting me because that was how I grew. Thank you for pushing me to be the best that I could be in whatever I happened to be competing in.
To my volleyball coaches:
To my speech coaches:
I don't even know where to start. Thank you for helping take "shy little Jackie" and turn her into someone who can talk in front of large crowds (although it may not be her favorite thing to do). Thank you for taking a genuine interest in each of us students as people, not just as one of "your students" - for truly making us YOUR students and making us feel like family. Not only did your caring and kind nature make each of us feel special, but you also worked to develop a TEAM attitude - acknowledging that we could not function with just individuals (except for maybe in individual competition, but even then, we were encouraged to watch & help one another). Thank you for allowing each of us to help choose our piece(s) which not only made them so much more meaningful, but gave us a sense of responsibility. Thank you for helping us find pieces that were relatable, yet challenging. You gently prodded us to become the best that we could be whether that was in the group or individual competitions. Thank you for helping me develop my confidence which was a struggle for me in my high school years, but has been so helpful since then and will be in my future. Thank you for being amazing!
To my track coaches:
What you don't know is that in 6th grade I told my mom that I didn't like soccer because it was too much running. Why I decided to try track in 7th grade, I'll never know, but thank you for believing that I could make a valuable contribution to the team. I'll be the first to admit that I knew nothing about running when I started track in 7th grade. In my 7th and 8th grade seasons I learned how the sport of track and field worked; I learned the order of the races and how to compete, but what I didn't learn was how to run. You guys took a very awkward freshman (in more than just my running form) and turned her into a runner. I'll never forget the times during warm-ups that you made me run with a penny pinched between my index finger and thumb to stop me from clenching my fists. And when I had that mastered, you told me to pass the penny from finger to finger without dropping it. While this lesson was mostly about correcting my running form, I learned that the small things really do make a difference (in life too, not just running). Then there were the times you told me (over and over again) to run on my toes (for those of you that don't know, I was a sprinter). I'm sure I looked like some kind of weird animal when I first started that, but it worked. And eventually, running without my fists clenched and on my toes became natural. Thank you for helping me do something I never thought I could (and for making it fun too!). Thank you for fostering such a team atmosphere in a sport that could be classified as an individual one. You made each and every one of us feel like an important cog in the wheel of the team while making sure that nothing ever went to our heads. Thank you for really pushing me and reminding me never to give up. Thank you for helping to show me that hard work and dedication really do pay off because I'm certain that if you asked 7th grade Jackie if she would ever run at the state meet, she would have laughed at you. Thank you for reminding (and showing) me how to not take life so seriously (I'm pretty sure there are countless things that came out of your mouth that made us double over in laughter, but I won't post those here). While it was mostly about the running and competing, I learned so much from you about life.
I don't think you hear it enough or realize how big of an impact you have on the students you coach. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for all of the encouragement when I was down. Thank you for the yelling at and correcting me because that was how I grew. Thank you for pushing me to be the best that I could be in whatever I happened to be competing in.
To my volleyball coaches:
Thank you for helping to foster my first love for a sport. I never knew, until I played volleyball, that I could love something (that was such hard work and often painful) so much. Thank you for igniting and fanning the passion that grew with each year I played. Yes, I liked volleyball in middle school, but I loved it in high school and part of that was because of you. I could see your passion and love for the game in each practice, game, tournament, team get together, and interaction I had with each of you. You may have yelled at us and made us do countless "go-sixes," but it was only because you loved us and wanted us to get better. While we may not have had the most wins in the scorebook, you never let that stop you from helping us work to improve. You showed me what leadership was and guided me to start becoming a leader both on and off the court. You helped show me and develop the determination that I would need later in life to get through tough times.
To my speech coaches:
I don't even know where to start. Thank you for helping take "shy little Jackie" and turn her into someone who can talk in front of large crowds (although it may not be her favorite thing to do). Thank you for taking a genuine interest in each of us students as people, not just as one of "your students" - for truly making us YOUR students and making us feel like family. Not only did your caring and kind nature make each of us feel special, but you also worked to develop a TEAM attitude - acknowledging that we could not function with just individuals (except for maybe in individual competition, but even then, we were encouraged to watch & help one another). Thank you for allowing each of us to help choose our piece(s) which not only made them so much more meaningful, but gave us a sense of responsibility. Thank you for helping us find pieces that were relatable, yet challenging. You gently prodded us to become the best that we could be whether that was in the group or individual competitions. Thank you for helping me develop my confidence which was a struggle for me in my high school years, but has been so helpful since then and will be in my future. Thank you for being amazing!
To my track coaches:
What you don't know is that in 6th grade I told my mom that I didn't like soccer because it was too much running. Why I decided to try track in 7th grade, I'll never know, but thank you for believing that I could make a valuable contribution to the team. I'll be the first to admit that I knew nothing about running when I started track in 7th grade. In my 7th and 8th grade seasons I learned how the sport of track and field worked; I learned the order of the races and how to compete, but what I didn't learn was how to run. You guys took a very awkward freshman (in more than just my running form) and turned her into a runner. I'll never forget the times during warm-ups that you made me run with a penny pinched between my index finger and thumb to stop me from clenching my fists. And when I had that mastered, you told me to pass the penny from finger to finger without dropping it. While this lesson was mostly about correcting my running form, I learned that the small things really do make a difference (in life too, not just running). Then there were the times you told me (over and over again) to run on my toes (for those of you that don't know, I was a sprinter). I'm sure I looked like some kind of weird animal when I first started that, but it worked. And eventually, running without my fists clenched and on my toes became natural. Thank you for helping me do something I never thought I could (and for making it fun too!). Thank you for fostering such a team atmosphere in a sport that could be classified as an individual one. You made each and every one of us feel like an important cog in the wheel of the team while making sure that nothing ever went to our heads. Thank you for really pushing me and reminding me never to give up. Thank you for helping to show me that hard work and dedication really do pay off because I'm certain that if you asked 7th grade Jackie if she would ever run at the state meet, she would have laughed at you. Thank you for reminding (and showing) me how to not take life so seriously (I'm pretty sure there are countless things that came out of your mouth that made us double over in laughter, but I won't post those here). While it was mostly about the running and competing, I learned so much from you about life.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
A year in review...#1 at St. JPII
Just the other day I was reminded that I had been in Omaha for 2 years. Those 2 years have been quite the wild ride. I've definitely had my fair share of good days and accomplishments as well as bad days and disappointments. One of the best decisions I have made in these past 2 years has been living at the St. John Paul II Newman Center. Living? At the Newman Center? Yep, you heard me right, the St. JPII Newman Center in Omaha is a residence hall as well as an oratory/parish and community gathering space. Living in this amazing place has been so incredibly good for me, not only spiritually, but mentally and emotionally as well.
Modeled after a monastic community, the "Newman Center" or "JPII" (as it has been affectionately nicknamed by students), opened its doors for the first time in August of 2016. I had the privilege of being one of the first residents to live there. I'll admit, I was a little nervous going in because I was a grad student and a bit older than most of the students, but I quickly found that age (at least in this community) is simply a number. The residents quickly formed an overwhelmingly welcoming community which was further enhanced by the larger community (known as MavCatholic). I quickly found out that "if you're bored, you're doing something wrong" (to borrow a common phrase from my undergraduate years), as there is always something happening at Newman. Here's just a bit of a year in review of some of the activities and events that went on as well as look to the future.
We could say the year started (or continued - however you want to look at it) in July with the mid-summer barbeque). At the BBQ, those who were already involved in MavCatholic were able to get together to catch up as well as meet some of our new residents & community members. This event just got everyone even more excited for the next month when the doors at JPII would be opening for the first time.
Moving day! Sometime mid-August (sorry I can't remember the exact date... 15th or 16th I think), the first-ever residents moved in. It was an exciting time for so many; students from all walks of life - freshman through graduate students, as well as our priests and staff. After getting settled and meeting (new for some) roommates, the resident assistants had us busy doing things to get to know one another. One of the most exciting (or so I'm told; I was gone for a wedding) was the Newman Hall Olympics where the floors competed against one another to be the 1st Annual Newman Hall Olympics Champion. This event kicked off what turned out to be an amazing first year.
Throughout the first year, many fun events were held to help develop the whole person. These ranged from daily adoration and mass to movie nights and even field trips. Some of the favorites from the community were:
Not only did people have favorite events from the year, but they also had favorite memories, moments, or just general things from the Newman Center. One of those favorites was the free coffee. Yes, free coffee. Every. Single. Day. Everybody has their favorite flavor and way of making it. My friend Josh really likes the Caramel Crunch coffee, especially when he makes it iced. I'd have to agree with him! If I wasn't a coffee drinker before (I was...kind of.), I am now!
In April, the biggest event of the school year happened (at least in my eyes). On April 2nd, the oratory was finally dedicated! We went from having mass in Karol's Commons to having a separate worship space. It was quite the ceremony! I don't think I'll ever forget the dedication mass and how beautiful it was. Lots and lots of prayers have already been sent to our Lord within these four walls and many more will be sent in the years to come.
Looking ahead to this school year, there are a lot of fun things planned. Our first big event (aside from the 2nd annual Newman Hall Olympics) is the back to school BBQ which is a part of UNO's Durango Days. It'll be held on Wednesday (Aug. 23rd) during the first week of classes. It's a great way for new students to be introduced to the Newman Center and for those already involved to meet new people. I know I'm looking forward to this event as well as many others to be held throughout the year. I'm especially looking forward to being involved in a Bible Study, community nights, the Sacraments, and just being a part of a great community. Here's what other "Newmanites" are looking forward to:
Modeled after a monastic community, the "Newman Center" or "JPII" (as it has been affectionately nicknamed by students), opened its doors for the first time in August of 2016. I had the privilege of being one of the first residents to live there. I'll admit, I was a little nervous going in because I was a grad student and a bit older than most of the students, but I quickly found that age (at least in this community) is simply a number. The residents quickly formed an overwhelmingly welcoming community which was further enhanced by the larger community (known as MavCatholic). I quickly found out that "if you're bored, you're doing something wrong" (to borrow a common phrase from my undergraduate years), as there is always something happening at Newman. Here's just a bit of a year in review of some of the activities and events that went on as well as look to the future.
We could say the year started (or continued - however you want to look at it) in July with the mid-summer barbeque). At the BBQ, those who were already involved in MavCatholic were able to get together to catch up as well as meet some of our new residents & community members. This event just got everyone even more excited for the next month when the doors at JPII would be opening for the first time.
Moving day! Sometime mid-August (sorry I can't remember the exact date... 15th or 16th I think), the first-ever residents moved in. It was an exciting time for so many; students from all walks of life - freshman through graduate students, as well as our priests and staff. After getting settled and meeting (new for some) roommates, the resident assistants had us busy doing things to get to know one another. One of the most exciting (or so I'm told; I was gone for a wedding) was the Newman Hall Olympics where the floors competed against one another to be the 1st Annual Newman Hall Olympics Champion. This event kicked off what turned out to be an amazing first year.
Throughout the first year, many fun events were held to help develop the whole person. These ranged from daily adoration and mass to movie nights and even field trips. Some of the favorites from the community were:
Not only did people have favorite events from the year, but they also had favorite memories, moments, or just general things from the Newman Center. One of those favorites was the free coffee. Yes, free coffee. Every. Single. Day. Everybody has their favorite flavor and way of making it. My friend Josh really likes the Caramel Crunch coffee, especially when he makes it iced. I'd have to agree with him! If I wasn't a coffee drinker before (I was...kind of.), I am now!
In April, the biggest event of the school year happened (at least in my eyes). On April 2nd, the oratory was finally dedicated! We went from having mass in Karol's Commons to having a separate worship space. It was quite the ceremony! I don't think I'll ever forget the dedication mass and how beautiful it was. Lots and lots of prayers have already been sent to our Lord within these four walls and many more will be sent in the years to come.
Looking ahead to this school year, there are a lot of fun things planned. Our first big event (aside from the 2nd annual Newman Hall Olympics) is the back to school BBQ which is a part of UNO's Durango Days. It'll be held on Wednesday (Aug. 23rd) during the first week of classes. It's a great way for new students to be introduced to the Newman Center and for those already involved to meet new people. I know I'm looking forward to this event as well as many others to be held throughout the year. I'm especially looking forward to being involved in a Bible Study, community nights, the Sacraments, and just being a part of a great community. Here's what other "Newmanites" are looking forward to:
Friday, August 4, 2017
5 things my friends have wondered about my depression and anxiety
In an unprecedented wave of bravery, I decided to post something personal on my facebook wall. The message read as follows: “Ok friends, I need your help. I’m looking to write a blog post on my depression and anxiety. What is one (or 2 or 3) question you’d like me to answer about my experiences or what is something you’ve always wondered? Feel free to post here or PM me. Thanks!” In the past I’ve shared social media posts from “The Mighty” and other organizations that pertain to mental illness, but I don’t think I’ve posted anything quite so open. I wasn’t sure if I’d get any responses at all, but I did get a few. Here are the questions and my answers to them.
- I'm interested in knowing if you ever struggle with the expectations of perfection and excellence that academia and society has.
- Absolutely! Part of my story also has to do with dealing with perfectionism and what is known as "all or nothing thinking." In other words, in my mind, if it wasn't perfect, it wasn't worth doing. As you can probably tell, this can be quite a problem. Growing up, I never really had to try that hard in school; I never really had to study or put in lots of time/effort. I was a straight-A student without really trying and I think that's where part of this warped expectation of perfection came from. I knew I could do well and was always pushing myself to do better (even if that meant trying to improve a 95% on a test to a 98%). Now, striving for "perfection" is not necessarily a bad thing, but when it overtakes your mind and makes you start believing that things aren't worth doing if you can't do them perfectly, that's where the problem lies. I learned a really hard lesson when it came to undergrad; I actually had to study and I had to learn to be ok with a B. I like to think that I've overcome a lot of my perfectionist tendencies, or at least learned to deal with them in a more positive way. I'm trying not to let others (and society) pressure me into achieving the "perfection" that is so often expected of students today.
- I'm curious as to what types of medical advice you've received - and if you've tried any "alternative" experiments such as the GF diet.
- The medical advice I've received has ranged from "let's put you on hormonal birth control" to "let's try this medicine instead" [referring to the umpteenth med]. I suppose you could consider the typical "make sure you're exercising, eating right, and getting enough sleep" as medical advice I've received and honestly try to follow. In addition to my anxiety and depression, I have a condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome (or PCOS for short) which has caused some additional difficulties and has affected my mood. In order to help treat the PCOS (and its symptoms), I am receiving hormone shots 3 times a month and am on a medication specifically for this. I've found that treating the PCOS has actually improved my mood significantly. I have not tried any "alternative" experiments such as the GF diet, although I've read some things that suggest a GF diet could be good for PCOS as well. I'm supposed to be cutting out processed sugar, but I haven't been doing as well with that as I would like. I'm not necessarily against anything "alternative," but being a scientist myself, I like to have solid evidence for something before I blindly jump in. That being said, I'm still doing some research on things such as diet to see if anything might be promising for what I have/am experiencing.
- Is there something that helps (talking or doing something) at times when you are especially depressed or anxious?
- This is a tough one. The short answer is yes, there are things that help. The more complicated answer is that which of those things help depends on the situation and my mood. Sometimes talking to a person either virtually (fb, texting, skype, etc.) or in person can help. When talking, sometimes I want to talk about what is bothering me and other times I just want to talk about random things to get my mind off of the negative thoughts and darkness. A lot of times a hug along with talking is helpful. Sometimes it's going for a walk with a good friend that helps and sometimes it's simply sitting in my apartment watching tv or a movie. If I have the time, I like to do something creative or read a book (for fun). When I'm especially anxious, the best way to combat it for me is to remove myself from the situation. Now, that is not always possible, so I often like to employ the strategies I mentioned earlier, which are things that I usually use to deal with my depression. Sometimes doing deep breathing and just taking a couple of minutes to ground myself can also help with my anxiety. The biggest thing that I found that helps with both my depression and anxiety is to let the feelings come and to recognize them rather than to ignore or try to cover up the feelings.
- Looking back is there something that you can now say was the beginning of your depression and anxiety?
- Looking back, I can't say that there is a specific thing or event that was the beginning of my depression and anxiety, but I think I can see when it started. I believe it started much earlier than I really care to admit and I tried to deal with it for far too long on my own before reaching out for help. While I can't pinpoint a specific thing that was the beginning, I do think that my perfectionism played a large role in my developing depression and anxiety. I had put so much pressure on myself and had such unrealistic expectations that it just drove me to not be able to reach them which led to disappointment and frustrations. As far as the anxiety goes, I think I've always been a "worrier." For as long as I can remember, I've been worried about things - sometimes warranted and sometimes unwarranted. I think as I grew older I just had more things to worry about which then manifested itself as anxiety.
- What are the best ways for friends to support you?
- Again, this kind of depends on the situation. The best ways for friends to support me right now are to simply reach out. Ask how things are going. I may blow you off or answer "fine" but it really does mean a lot to me. Even if we haven't talked in a while, feel free to reach out. I enjoy positive quotes and songs, so if you come across one of those, send it to me. I know this sounds dumb, but I love receiving snail mail - a short note, a coloring page to help me destress, or a picture of you and your family. Prayer is a big one too. Please just keep me in your prayers even if you don't let me know that you're doing so. Basically, if you're ever wondering how you can help, feel free to ask. Sometimes you may get the answer "I don't know," but just by asking you are showing that you care.
While these are only 5 things that people have wondered about my depression and anxiety, I'm sure there are more questions out there. If you do have questions, feel free to reach out and ask. I'm becoming fairly open about this topic and would love to have a conversation with you. I'd also like to say "thank you" to everyone who has reached out in the past and continues to walk this journey with me.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Seminarians are like incense at mass...
...or garlic in cooking - you can always use more.
The title and first line are something that Archbishop Michael Jackels (of the Archdiocese of Dubuque) has said on multiple occasions. No, this is not going to be a post on why we need more seminarians and priests, but rather about how seminarians have impacted my life. I often like to think of seminarians as "big brothers you never had." Really, there's something special about them and I was lucky enough to attend a school with a minor seminary attached to it which meant that I was able to get to know several guys who were (about) the same age as I was. I didn't realize how unique it was to attend a school where I could get to know the guys while they were in minor seminary until I graduated; it was just normal for "the sems" to always be around.
This past weekend I was able to witness the ordination of two new transitional deacons and five new priests. It's really quite the experience and I encourage you to go sometime if you've never been. It was such a blessing to be able to be there as Deacons Jacob and Andy and Fathers Ralph, Dennis, Kevin, Andrew, and Austin were ordained. Many of these guys had/have a pretty big impact on my life.
My first experience with a seminarian was during my senior year of high school at a TEC retreat. I'll be honest, at that point in my life I had no idea what a seminarian was, but I learned quickly. Shortly after I checked in at the retreat, this overly-enthusiastic guy came up to me and introduced himself. At that point, I was wondering what I had gotten myself into, but as life would have it, I later found out that this guy was a) a seminarian and b) that he was studying at Loras (where I would be attending school). This certain guy would always help to put a smile on my face whether it was telling a silly story or just saying hi as he passed me on campus. It was nice knowing somebody that I could talk to or ask questions of as I started my adventure at Loras. Through him, and just being at Loras in general, I got to know some of the other guys who would eventually become good friends.
I wish I had the time to write about each of these guys individually, but I don't (and I don't want to make this too long). But I just want them to all know that they've made a difference in my life (and I'm sure so many others' lives as well). It's quite amazing to watch them go from a seminarian to a deacon to a priest. I appreciate all of the times they've reached out, listened, prayed, and were a great friend to me, despite being busy with their own studies and lives. I really encourage you to get to know a seminarian or two. Even if you can't get to know them personally, pray for them as they are the future priests of your (arch)diocese.
The title and first line are something that Archbishop Michael Jackels (of the Archdiocese of Dubuque) has said on multiple occasions. No, this is not going to be a post on why we need more seminarians and priests, but rather about how seminarians have impacted my life. I often like to think of seminarians as "big brothers you never had." Really, there's something special about them and I was lucky enough to attend a school with a minor seminary attached to it which meant that I was able to get to know several guys who were (about) the same age as I was. I didn't realize how unique it was to attend a school where I could get to know the guys while they were in minor seminary until I graduated; it was just normal for "the sems" to always be around.
This past weekend I was able to witness the ordination of two new transitional deacons and five new priests. It's really quite the experience and I encourage you to go sometime if you've never been. It was such a blessing to be able to be there as Deacons Jacob and Andy and Fathers Ralph, Dennis, Kevin, Andrew, and Austin were ordained. Many of these guys had/have a pretty big impact on my life.
My first experience with a seminarian was during my senior year of high school at a TEC retreat. I'll be honest, at that point in my life I had no idea what a seminarian was, but I learned quickly. Shortly after I checked in at the retreat, this overly-enthusiastic guy came up to me and introduced himself. At that point, I was wondering what I had gotten myself into, but as life would have it, I later found out that this guy was a) a seminarian and b) that he was studying at Loras (where I would be attending school). This certain guy would always help to put a smile on my face whether it was telling a silly story or just saying hi as he passed me on campus. It was nice knowing somebody that I could talk to or ask questions of as I started my adventure at Loras. Through him, and just being at Loras in general, I got to know some of the other guys who would eventually become good friends.
I wish I had the time to write about each of these guys individually, but I don't (and I don't want to make this too long). But I just want them to all know that they've made a difference in my life (and I'm sure so many others' lives as well). It's quite amazing to watch them go from a seminarian to a deacon to a priest. I appreciate all of the times they've reached out, listened, prayed, and were a great friend to me, despite being busy with their own studies and lives. I really encourage you to get to know a seminarian or two. Even if you can't get to know them personally, pray for them as they are the future priests of your (arch)diocese.
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